Cancer Ain't Gonna Beat Me (and it didn't!)

Race for Life 2010 and Goodbye

2010-05-23T04:34:00.001-07:00

Today has been a little emotional for me because the Race for Life means so much to me. I ran it in 2008 but because of my own cancer fight, was unable to do it in 2009. Being able to take part this year is sort of like being able to draw a psychological line underneath the whole fight with breast cancer. In the words of Mike Peters "I'm right back where I started from...." and that is good.

My life has been changed completely by cancer and not necessarily for the worst. Yes, I do still have side effects; acid reflux for which I have to take medication, flaking and brittle nails, aches, swollen fingers... but I am ALIVE, I am HERE, I am living this wonderful life that I have been allowed to keep.

I have made some amazing friends through cancer. I have met some pretty amazing nurses who have cared for me over the last year and a half. I am living life to the fullest each and every day and those days I feel fatigued, I don't beat myself up about it or feel guilty - I accept it and move on.

My treatment won't be finished until October 2010 but I feel that I really have got back to where I started. Fitness wise, I do have a long way to go because I can only manage a mile run these days compared to my 10K before cancer was diagnosed BUT weight wise I am back to my pre-diagnosis weight and within my BMI and all of my goals are achieveable.

However, I am no longer in a rush to achieve them now!

So on this note, I bid farewell to Cancer Ain't Gonna Beat Me, its time to move on with my life. I had cancer, I beat it and now I am fighting back.

My new blog can be found at http://www.sarasfightback.blogspot.com/ I do hope you will follow me there.

Its been a blast so with tears in my eyes, I bid you goodbye, Hwyl dda xx

2010-05-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had my heart scan today at the hospital and its good news... I still have one and its still working well! I will only have one more heart scan in August now seeing as how I am almost at the end of my herceptin. I can't believe how quickly time has passed.

Summer seems to have arrived today and we hit a high of 23 degrees which is totally amazing. Poor old Cola still has remnants of his winter coat so he needs to shed that pretty quickly. He was a naughty boy yesterday, thought he was a stallion when we were out on our hack. I made him work his energy out though and today he was alot quieter.

Had a hair cut - yipee! Just a trim to the back because I am growing it into a bob and from there it may go down to my shoulders, I haven't decided yet.

Harrys birthday tomorrow and he is so excited. He has promised his teacher and his deputy head some of his birthday cake and a party bag! I will follow through because it is important for him!

sigh.....

2010-05-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

This cheeky chap is my youngest son, Harry Llewelyn (named after two great Princes). He is going to be 9 years old on Friday and I can't believe how fast the time has flown.

Harry was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and has help at school. He struggles with language and communication and this doesnt just mean the spoken word, it covers social language, gestures, the unwritten code of conduct... He also struggles with change so any change in routine no matter how minor will affect his sleeping patterns and his behaviour.

So as his birthday approaches, I have had a testing time with Harry. His behaviour during these periods of unrest push me beyond comprehension. Today, I am struggling with a tension headache and feeling sick, my tummy is all knotted up.

I know that a birthday should be fun and eagerly anticipated. Harry doesn't really know when his birthday is, he still isn't sure when his party will take place and this confusion leaves him anxious.

So only a couple of days to go and hopefully the storm will have passed.

Secret Post and Muleberry Show

2010-05-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

I am lucky to be a member of Heathers Secret Post Club www.notesfromlapland.blogspto.com. Once a month I am sent the details of the person I need to send a package too and my details are given to someone else. The idea is that you receive a package but its a surprise. My package arrived on Saturday from mamacrow and I was thrilled to bits because of the thought and care put into my package. Mamacrow had obviously read my blog because she has gifted me the most appropriate things: a nail buffer and nail strengthener for my brittle and splitting nails, a gorgeous book mark, a poetry book on horses and a packet of polo mints for our pony Cola - how kind! Thank you mamacrow from the bottom of my heart!

There was an Old Man of Nepaul

From his horse had a terrible fall;

But,

Though they split quite in two,

By some very strong glue

They mended that Man of Nepaul

by Edward Lear (1812-1888)

Harry and Jason

Today we went to Muleberry show about half an hours drive from us in North Wales. Our friend was competing with two of her Shetland ponies and we decided to tag along for the experience. The only bad thing that went wrong was the fact that Harry lost his wobbly tooth and did actually lose it on the show ground. This is him crying with his dad. We have told him to write a letter to the tooth fairy and she will still visit him tonight!

Llinos with Mari-Ann and Eleri (her daughter) with Ernie

Llinos and Eleri did so well today bringing home over 10 rosettes with quite a few firsts. This photo was taken during the last class of the day for them and it was the championships. Mari-Ann is only 2 years old and up until last Thursday had never been led in a head collar before. There are alot of things that filly hasn't experienced but thankfully, she has landed on her hooves and has found herself a wonderful and caring home - under the careful handling and love of Llinos, this filly is going to shine.

The views from the show ground were stunning as it was located at the base of Rhuallt hill.

The sun was shining and although it was still chilly, it was a glorious day, a perfect day for showing! When we get our trailer fixed up, Cola will be competing at this show, lets hope he wins lots and lots of rosettes!

12 down 6 to go

2010-05-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

I have just come home from Wrexham Hospital following number 12 of my herceptin treatments - only 6 to go!

The sister always canulates me because my veins are so small and quite damaged with chemo and canulisation. I worked out today that so far, I have had 24 canulas inserted and that doesnt include the times when I have had more than one or two attempts. Its when you think like that, you realise just how battered your veins are.

My oncologist is retiring this month so I will be in the hands of a new oncologist. However, as I am almost at the end of my treatment I am not really concerned. I have a heart scan booked for next week but I don't anticipate any problems, its seems that I am made of strong stuff.

It is so good getting my energy back. I feel as though I am back to normal most of the time. I am on the go constantly and enjoying riding Cola, walking the dogs and generally just having the energy to enjoy life.

What I don't have the energy for is people who tick me off! Not many people annoy me but those who do just aren't worth the bother.

I am going through a transition at the moment and pretty soon I will be posting my last post on Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me and I will be moving to Sara's Fight Back. So watch this space...

Road Traffic Collision

2010-04-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had an RTC - a road traffic collision! They used to call it RTA - Road Traffic Accident but the word accident had "implications" re blame etc so they changed it to collison.

We were cycling home from Cola, Harry was in front of me because I have to keep a close eye on him. Cycling behind Harry is precarious enough as it is and last night... he got me. We were almost home and suddenly he swerved out in front of me and caught my front tyre. There was nothing I could do to stop myself so the bike fell and I skidded on the tarmac.

I lay there startled for a bit and Harry started getting upset, he wanted me to get up and off the road in case a car came and squashed me so he said, so he helped me get up. No damage to my bike, Harrys plastic mud guard was snapped off and all I can say is that it was a good job that I was wearing my riding jacket because I scraped and bruised my elbow and hip and blood was seeping through my jeans at the knee. Nothing major it just means that I will be more achey for a few days and of course I was badly shaken.

The fall really messed up my mojo but what messed with it even more was the fact that I discovered that I had lost my weight watchers pedometer. The boys and I searched and searched but it was gone. It sounds really daft, but the pedometer is what has got my weight loss going and since I had it I lost half a stone so I became really down and started to think about comfort food.......

However, my weight watchers leader is a friend on facebook and I contacted her and as a result I was able to call at her house to buy a new pedometer and she discounted it for me. It gave me my mojo back and I stopped thinking about comfort food.

In addition to this, Harry and his little friends hatched a plan to sell their unwanted DVD's to raise money to buy me a new pedometer.

So it was a nasty do but goodness and kindness came out of it in the form of those I care about helping me.

On another note, thank you for your support on my changing my blog. Hopefully I will get it up and running in a few days and I already have an idea for a final post on Cancer Ain't Gonna Beat Me.

Restless Feet

2010-04-25T02:05:00.001-07:00

I haven't been blogging regularly for a while and I have been thinking about this issue. I am extremely busy these days now that my energy is back and I don't have much time to sit down as I am constantly on the go and loving every minute of it, after all, I have alot of making up to do.

However... I am begining to feel like moving on from Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me because I feel as though cancer is in my past. I had it, I kicked its butt and now its almost time to move on. Blogging on Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me has been a blast but while I continue with this blog I feel as though I am being caged by cancer.

Don't worry, I am not leaving the blogging sphere! I still take part in the Friday My Town Shoot Outs www.fridayshootout.blogspot.com and I am in the process of starting a new blog www.sarasfightback.blogspot.com but I am having a few technical problems, trying to put badges on etc, I have forgotten how to do it. Once these hitches are sorted I will be moving over to that blog but don't worry, I will "tip you the wink" before I do.

Phew! So what has been going down in my busy life? I have been enjoying my pony Cola more than anything. He is my therapist and my personal trainer! I have lost half a stone in the last couple of weeks just by cycling to see to him, mucking out and lots of riding or walking. It is down to him that I have my strength and mobility back in my shoulder. He is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

I had my teeth sorted out a week or so ago so now I have the smile I always dreamed of, three years of brace work and pain was certainly worth it in the end even though I had to delay the restorative work for a year.

The herceptin is going well, I have had 10 treatments so far so only have 8 more to go! My fingers are still swollen and my nails are flaking and splitting but that is such a small detail!

I am back to my support group Talk 4 Talk for parents of children with speech, language and communication problems and I am back in control. I have already found out about a service that my son can get access to in order to help with his reading. He is 9 next month and he still has the reading age of a reception pupil. I have told the school about the service he needs access too but as usual they are dragging their heels. Therefore I am putting my request in writing and copying it to the Local Education Authority and seeing as how it is election time, I may copy my letter to some MP's - yes! I am back in the driving seat!

I am looking forward to the Race for Life next month although my training has been hampered. I am still running and I can manage a mile but I have the rest of my life to get back to where I used to be and as long as I enjoy running then I will keep doing it.

So life is good, getting better and better with each day!

Back Again!

2010-04-19T10:20:00.001-07:00

Back again after another break but I can't tell you how busy I am these days! The children are into their second week back at school and I am able to do all the things I am not able to when they are around.

The good news is that at my Weight Watchers weigh in last week, I lost 4lbs! I had to get on and off the scales 4 times before I would accept the reading and then I jumped up and down for joy, the other members must have thought I was bonkers. I am keeping on track with my diet and exercising alot. Rather than use my car I am walking or cycling and its amazing what an impact that has had on my weight loss.

Cola is wonderful! We took his rugs off last week. We still put his stable rug on at night because it tends to be chilly but during the day he is comando! You can tell the spring grass is coming through because he is totally fixated and is chomping at the bit to go out to grass rather than have his bucket feed which he normally enjoys.

The boys and I spent the weekend at my friends house on the top of a mountain. We camped in their back garden but oooh it was cold at night. Luckily I had quite a few glasses of red wine so the cold didn't get to me too much!

I have left my camara at my friends though so my blog will be pictureless for a while until I get it back unless I can find any appropriate pictures in my archives.

More herceptin on Wednesday; dose 10 out of 18 so I am over half way there.

I am part of the Secret Post club and I received my parcel last week which was so touching! However, I want to share the pictures with you before I tell you more and the picture is on my camara so you will have to bear with me for the next few days.

Almost a Week!

2010-04-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that its almost a week since I last posted a blog! How quickly time flies now that I am feeling better!

Well not quite!

My nails are snapping and flaking and I have an infection in my right index finger. The infection has been there for almost a week now and it is getting better but so very slowly. Such a small thing but so much pain. I started to come down with a cold today so all in all, I feel pretty rough.

We managed to get Harry a new pair of riding boots. Buying clothes and footwear for him is so difficult because of his sensory problems, he feels every stitch, every label so it is difficult, very difficult. Anyway, he loves his new riding boots because he says that they are so soft inside.

The boys had a lesson off me in the menarge today. Boys includes Jason. They all did very well but its 30 years since I gave lessons or did any schooling or dressage but it is coming back to me slowly.

I went to the Breast Cancer Support Group meeting last night and was relieved to find out that swollen hands and feet seems to be a side effect of herceptin. Well I am half way through so at least it wont be forever.

I have been back on my weight watchers diet, eating well and concentrating on getting my B vitamins so I put spinach in everything..... Spinach in my soup, in my ghoulash, in my chilli..... you get the picture! I have been trying to snack on pumpkin seeds too which are high in iron. I must say that since my reiki and vitamin B supplements, things have got slightly better! My bloods all came back as normal but I dont know whether to be relieved or worried.

Apparently, the most critical time for re-occurance of breast cancer is the first 2 years after treatment. I suppose then, I am in the "comfort" zone because I will be having treatment until October 2010 so the clincher years will be Oct 2011 and Oct 2012!!! Nah!!! it aint coming back.

I went to look at a Shire x Cob with my friend on Bank Holiday Monday. He was lovely but had a pastern injury which showed. The owner assured us that it would improve with work but £500 was alot of money for a horse which really may not be used again. He was a darling though and if I could afford the upkeep of a second horse I would have made an offer myself because he would have been a good ride for Jason being slightly taller than Cola. Mac, my last horse had a bone spavin so I am used to horses with leg injuries.... As the old man by my school (Mr Jones) used to sing to me "kay Sera Sera, whatever will be will be"..... funny..... he would give me a sweet and ask me my name, I would reply "Sara" and he would sing that song.... same ritual every time....

Secret Post Club

2010-04-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

In March I joined the secret post club.

I sent my first package out and it was received with happiness. Today, I received my own package. I had a beautiful fairy card with a hand written message from a fellow Sara together with a tiny leather book which I can fill with my thoughts and notions and keep with me or under my pillow I thought. I also received the prettiest book mark, silver with pink beads, this is such a useful gift for me because I am always reading! (oops! sorry, I uploaded the picture without editiing it so you will have to cock your head as you look at it!)

So thank you to Sara at www.theheartofourtribe.blogspot.com

I have received details for Aprils secret post and I have already put a few bits together but I shall say no more because I don't want to spoil any surprises.

Here is a little bit about the club. Each month you are matched up with someone and the details are sent to you privately. You then put together a package along with a little note and send it out to your recipient before the 15th of the month. If you want, you can then blog about your secret post experience. There is a £10 spending cap on the package but alot of the secret post members make their own gifts and it is not a requirement to spend lots of money. It is about making others happy not "keeping up with the Jones".

Winter is Back

2010-03-31T12:36:00.000-07:00

Winter is back or so it seems! The last day of March has been a memorable one, snow on the hills, sleet and snow here and freezing gales. I turned Cola out into his paddock but was worried sick about him. I needn't have been because when I went to check on him mid day he didnt want to come in and he was warm and dry under his rugs.

I had my 9th dose of herceptin today so I am officially half way through, only another 9 to go - yipee!

I was a tad fed up with my body and the weather though because my plans to ride and/or swim were scuppered by both - typical.

Off to the dentist tomorrow to get my front tooth sorted out and made to look pretty. I should have had it done last year but my cancer treatment delayed things slightly!

Happy Days

2010-03-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

Urgh the rain has really got on my nerves over the last few days. Mind you, I havent changed my plans much because of it. I still go everywhere on my bike, I just have to tog up in my waterproofs and walking the dogs?.. hey.. I might look daft but thats what I am, right?

So the boys have gone for an overnight stay to their Nans in Llandudno and I am home alone with my animal buds.

Plans for tomorrow?

Cola early - feed and turn out
Meet Poppy
Cola, muck out and ride
?????? possible swim
dog walk
hospital - MORE herceptin
home
Cola bring in, feed and bed down

In the Pink Again!

2010-03-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Pictures courtesy of Google Search

I have not blogged for a week mainly because I have been in a bad place. Those of you who read my previous blog will probably have guessed this. I have been coming to terms with the fact that once chemo was done with all the side effects would be done with too. Now, I have accepted this and have made steps to work with it.

I had a "taster" session with a nutritionalist who checked me for vitamin deficiencies and I came up as being short of folic acid, B6 and B10. Funnily enough, B6 is a vitimin required for turning food to energy. I have bought some supplements along with some Metatone tonic because it is that time again.

I arranged to have some healing Reiki and that was done today. Some of my chakras were not working and others were spinning out of control. My friend re-alined my chakras and the reiki was great.

I felt warmth traveling from my neck into my head and shoulders then down through my back and pelvis. The warmth then turned to tingling which was kind of like an energy pulsing around my body. When the Reiki was finished I felt so relaxed, positive and energised.

So as a result of these things, these minor adjustments I have made in my life, I am back to being in the pink again. I am feeling positive, in control and up beat.

My nails ARE going to grow back strong and I AM going to lose that weight!

Feeling Fat!

2010-03-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness!

Thats just how I feel.

I am so fed up of being overweight, tired all the time and bloated. I want to wear my own wedding ring again, I want to have some energy, I want to lose this blasted weight so that I can feel good about myself.

I want my nails to be nice, they are splitting and peeling and theres nothing I can do to stop it.

I focused so much on getting through 2009 I didnt bargain for side effects into the new year. Well here it is.........

Raining - oh no!

2010-03-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

First day of spring and its raining!

aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!

I have organised a 40th birthday bash for my husband at home and I dont want it to rain, well, not tomorrow anyway. I bought a gazebo, we are going to light the chiminea and I have a chilli simmering away! His birthday cake has a picture of Y Ddraig Coch (the red dragon) our welsh flag! I have the beers stashed in the childrens playden so shhhhhhhhhhhh dont say a word.

Just pray and pray and pray that it doesnt rain!

India Day at School

2010-03-19T09:32:00.001-07:00

Harry had an "India" day at his school today. The idea was that the children could dress up if they wanted and they made Indian decorations, played Indian music and sampled Indian food. Even the staff entered into the spirit of the occasion with their saris. We purchased Harry's outfit from the Hospice of the Good Shepherd, the young assistant was so helpful and so not only did we get a costume sorted but our money was spent on a good cause. Harry liked his turban the best which was one I used last year when I lost my hair. I used this one the most because I loved the colour red and it is well worn. I think its lovely to see it being used for something not related to ill health.

Harry did have a problem with his snack at snack time, the change in routine can be confusing and upsetting for children with autism. He was choked up and emotional when he came out of school but I spoke to his teacher and we got to the root of the problem and all is well.

I had some sad news today. My mums dog Al has been taken ill. He has liver problems and is on a drip at the vets, it is touch and go as to whether or not he pulls through. Al is an integral part of mums life, her faithful friend. As for me, he represents a wonderful part of my life with motherhood and baby/toddler trips to Erddig and Nains river. I only saw him on Monday and he was so happy, its hard to hear that my little friend is so gravely ill.

On a different note, I gained 2 1/2 lbs this week at weight watchers but I am not worried or stressed about it. Looking at the size of my fingers and the fact that I still can't get a wedding ring on I reckon that if I could stop the drugs I would lose half a stone in fluid alone! The main thing is that I am still going to weight watchers and if I hadn't been going I would be alot bigger than I am now.

Chester (Y Gaer)

2010-03-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

Today my husband and I met his mum in Chester, the nearest city to us about 6 miles away in the country of England! It is a Roman city with quite a few roman remains and it is pretty. Alot of tourists visit there and do touristy things but we like to go there for some nice food and a bit of retail therapy.

We ate at Chez Jules which is a french resteraunt and was gorgeous. The food was beautiful! I enjoyed a chicken and bacon salad followed by a chargrilled pork chop with vegatables, mmmm delicious! It was nice to have some adult time with Jasons mum without the kids fighting or arguing or demanding...

Chester has lots of different resteraunts; mexican, spanish, italian, french, brazilian to name but a few and we are lucky that they are of a high quality so theres always lots of choice.

My shoulder has given me a little more pain today but the medication from the doctor is helping.

The boys have just returned from school with a "Finger of Fudge" - I sang the old advert song to them and Joe got quite annoyed!

but the advert is from my childhood and it brings back happy memories, plus the song is really cute don't you think?

Aches, Pains and Tiredness

2010-03-17T12:40:00.001-07:00

The last few weeks have been quite difficult for me really because I am fighting fatigue together with an all over stiffening and aching of my joints made worse by the fact that my shoulder which was injured before Christmas is really hurting because I am using it more for mucking out, changing rugs on Cola etc etc.

Now before you feel too sorry for me, I must hasten to add that my shoulder was injured when I tripped over my dog Wilbur in a quest for crisps. I had had rather a few glasses of wine at the time so needless to say, the injury was of my own doing! It doesn't make it any the less painful though!

So I saw my GP today, Dr Happs; very nice doctor he is too! He checked my movements and they are all fine and suspects soft tissue damage. The fatigue he suspects is down to the herceptin so he has prescribed some strong painkillers, voltorol gel, refered me for physio and sent me off for some blood tests!

I have at last found a bra that doesn't hurt me, but it is a mastectomy bra. I know that I had a lumpectomy but out of desperation I thought I would give it a go and it has worked. It is padded and shaped in such a way that it gives support and I don't get hurt. I am a 32G these days and my shoulder has been better after a day of wearing that so it makes me wonder if my lack of support has been aggrivating the shoulder injury! I was fine up until I had radiotherapy and since then I have had a huge problem with bras.

I also find that I am still retaining fluid. I still can't get my wedding ring past the first part of my finger and my bra size has gone up from 30FF to 32G even though I weigh less so I feel as though I am slowly starting to explode.

On the plus side, we did have the first spring day today and it was wonderful being able to go out without a coat!

I have been busy preparing a small party for Jason's 40th at the weekend. Here's the plan but shhhhhhhh its a secret! I am going to try and get him to take the children to the pictures on Sunday afternoon and while he is gone I am going to get my friends over to fix up a gazebo, decorate the place, put a big pot of chilli on the hob, jacket spuds in the oven then when he gets home he will have a big surprise!

I will blog about the party after it has been and gone. I have ordered the food and drink online with Tesco so they will deliver on Saturday while he is at work. I have ordered a birthday cake with the Welsh flag on it - tidy!!!!

More Herceptin

2010-03-13T01:29:00.001-08:00

The nurses and even the Sisters at the Shooting Star Unit refer me directly to the doctors for canulisation. I have tiny veins and they are frightened of hurting me. I did explain to Dr Gordon that the veins on my left hand were collapsed and he would get a line in but it wouldnt work. These doctors all know best and he tried my left arm first anyway!. The result was a swollen and bruised wrist! So he canulated my right arm anyway with no pain, no discomfort and no bruising!

My little boy Joe was with me because he had an appointment at ENT. He was great at offering me some distraction and it was a good experience for him too. He thought that all I did was go in, have a quick injection, he didnt realise just how much was involved. He helped the doctor as well and he enjoyed that.

Herceptin is drip fed into your system over an hour with a saline flush through at the end. Apparently pretty soon they will be authorised to drip it in over half an hour. I have mixed feelings about this...... on one hand it will be nice to reduce the amount of time I am sitting receiving treatment but on the other, it is quite nice to recline your comfy chair and relax for an hour!

Side effects of herceptin...... my fingers are still like tree trunks and my bones ache like mad especially my lower back. My right shoulder where I fell before Christmas is giving me alot of pain too and I am not sure what to do about that!

Spring is Approaching

2010-03-07T14:04:00.001-08:00

L-R: Joseff, Harry, Cola, Jason and Margaret

This time last year, I didn't know what the future held for me. I was recovering from a lumpectomy with a haematoma and facing my first round of chemotherapy. It was a scarey time because I didn't know how I would be affected.

This time last year I would never have believed how different my life would be. I am physically weaker than I was but emotionally stronger, I am hoping that with time I will become physically stronger and fitter once again.

So now we have a magnificent pony in our lives. Coca Cola, a native Fell pony who is a complete and utter darling.

Photo taken by Harry of Cola

I have a Mini Cooper and a pony - wow! I could never have predicted that!

So, spring is approaching. I can see that by Colas moulting coat, the longer days, the crocus bursting through in the garden. I am excited by the prospect of better weather and longer days and all the joys they will bring with them.

My Harry

So a year on and I am living a different but much better life. I don't get phased by stuff like when Harry exploded his jelly ball all over the new carpet and made some stains on it! What is the point, they are things, they can be replaced but people can't and love can't.

Sometimes.......

2010-03-06T12:27:00.001-08:00

Sometimes.............................

I look down at my scars..................................

and for the briefest of moments.....................................

I wonder....... "how did they get there?"

I feel like it has been a dream

How can cancer have happened to me?

Ghostly Ghost Hunt - The Tower, Mold

2010-03-01T03:03:00.001-08:00

On Saturday I took part in a Ghost Hunt in aid of Wrexham Hospital Special Care Baby Unit. Collectively we raised about £1500 so it was a good achievement! The ghost hunt took place in The Tower, Mold. The building is dated around the 13th century and it was a welsh family home. Apparently there was a fight between Mold and Chester (welsh and English) and the home had prisons within it! I picked up my friend Paula and we drove there together which was good really because I didn't relish the thought of driving there and back on my own.

This picture was taken in the Hall and this is a stuffed parrot and an old gun which looks as though it has seen better days! We didn't communicate with spirit in this room but I think we had tired them out by this point.

This is the Hall - incredibly cold house despite the heating and a big fire.

This is a portrait of a spirit who visited one of the teams. His name was Thomas and he was 6 years old when he died. Apparently he drowned in his bath and he was terribly upset because his parents had already crossed over and he was unable to. The team were in tears. Thomas was crossed over to the light so that was a really positive outcome for the night.

This picture was taken in one of the bedrooms and you can see an orb just above Trudi's head. I took another picture a few moments later and the orb is gone!

We communicated with a lady in this room who had been childless and lived a very sad life. Her husband was cruel to her and she was afraid to speak out. I had a feeling of saddness in this room but when the spirit left (we had a seance) I was taken over by a feeling of anger and the words "who do you think you are" came into my head. I wanted to kick the furniture, I wonder if this was the spirit of the abusive husband and that is why the lady left us!

In the other bedroom we communicated with a spirit called Christine who died in child birth. She had 4 daughters and one son but then she said she didnt have any sons so I wonder if she died whilst giving birth to the son. She had a happy life but died when she was around 30. She got a bit upset because her portrait used to be in the bedroom but it had been moved. She was happy to communicate with us and didnt want to stop!

It was an amazing experience, not frightening at all. Some rooms and at some times I felt nothing but then at others I experienced "feelings". I would love to do this again!

First Year All Clear

2010-02-25T12:22:00.000-08:00

I had my visit to the Oncologist and Surgeons yesterday but lucky for me they decided to combine the appointments so I didn't have to waste my whole entire morning in the Shooting Star Unit!.

The good news is that I have had my first year all clear. My mammogram was fine showing only scar tissue which "did not look sinister" in the words of the surgeons!

My swollen fingers and achey joints are all down to herceptin and the oncologist asked me if I still wanted to go ahead with a years worth to which I replied "hell yes I don't want to risk having to go through this again".

I am not feeling very good this week. I have no energy but that is down to pmt I think. Yes, my onocologist is amazed too, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, tamoxifen and herceptin and my body is still in working order so to speak!

Tomorrow I have a saddle fitter visiting Cola and I so fingers crossed we find a saddle to fit as I am itching to start riding him properly!

New Life

2010-02-21T02:09:00.001-08:00

This time last year I was recovering from my lumpectomy and lymph node sampling ops. I could barely move, a massive haematoma saw to that and the anesthetic knocked me for six. Everythiing I ever did was stopped; my mobile dog grooming business, swimming, running and all the races I had planned..... I really couldn't see beyond the day in hand let alone dream of a future. The thing that kept playing in my head was the conversation I had with my surgeon "I have just about ruined this year for you, but the next 40 are going to be great..." I didnt believe him at the time.. about the next 40 being great!

A year on, my life has changed beyond recognition. I don't get stressed like I used to.... whats the point? So what if the kids play up? So what if things go wrong? In the whole scheme of things, I have been to hell and back. I have looked death in the face and walked away.

I have a fab new car - my mini cooper and a wonderful addition to our family in the shape of Cola. I am running and swimming again and even doing some yoga!

Anybody reading this who may be going through cancer treatment right now.... believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will be bigger and better!

Cola is Here

2010-02-19T06:44:00.001-08:00

It has been a mad few days since Wednesday! We traveled to Uttoxteter in our rented horsebox to colloect our little man. It was quite emotional for his owner Karen as she clearly loves him to bits. He loaded beautifully and we took our time on the return journey because of our precious cargo. He seemed so relaxed on arrival and enjoyed the fuss Joe and Harry gave him. The owner of the yard said that he checked on Cola at 11.30pm that night and he was very relaxed.

It was so hard organising the logistics of getting Cola home, I totally forgot that I had a herceptin infusion due that day. Luckily the staff at the Shooting Star Unit accommodated me and allowed me to change my day to the Thursay morning at 9am. So I left Jason, Joe and Harry with a list of instructions and Cola was fine.

I have had 7 infusions of herceptin now so only 11 more to go! The doctor tried my chemo arm first of all and although he got a line in and was able to draw out blood there was no flush back therefore the vein wasn't able to support an infusion so my compromised arm it was (again). I have been suffering with really sore eyes recently and he was so kind, he prescribed me some eye antibiotics. That saves me a trip to the doctor which I am glad of considering the fact that I have 3 hospital appointments next week, one to see the Oncologist, one to see the Surgeon and the other for my heart scan.

So today we turned Cola out into the paddock for the first time and he was eager to get out there. He has suffered with bouts of laminitus over the last 2 years so as you can imagine I am quite anxious as to how he will get on with the grazing. We will be going back there in an hour to put his bed down, get him in, clean the poo from his paddock and feed him. We are loving Coca Cola so much!

Searching for someone

2010-02-15T12:42:00.001-08:00

I am desperate to get back in contact with a very old friend of mine. We were penpals as children but lost contact with each other when I moved away from my home. It was a turbulant time in my life, I had just lost my brother, my parents went through a nasty divorce and my fiance was cheating on me.

Her name was/is Maria De Jesus Perez and she was married to Antonio. Her first son was called Rolando Cruz Perez and they lived in Salinas, California, USA. Maria would be around 43 now and Rolando would be about 26 or 27.

We were such good friends and used to write lots to each other. I have heard in recent years that she had tried to get in touch with me via my old address but nothing has been forwarded to me.

If anyone recognises the details or the faces then please could you let me know. I know that this is a long shot but I have put the photos on Face Book as well and you never know.....

It would be so nice to be in contact with Maria again but most importantly to know that she is happy and healthy.

If you can help, it would be so great!

I Am Back!

2010-02-15T01:31:00.001-08:00

Sorry I haven't been around much but I have been so busy arranging things for Cola and to be honest with you I had the worst case ever of chemo brain. By Friday my head was completely fuzzed, I wanted to cry but couldn't, I couldn't organise my thoughts, I was forgetting words mid sentence........ all of you who have had chemo know the score, I don't need to explain! Yesterday I spent the day scanning old photos so I have decided to share them because they are special. The above photo is of me aged 15 about to go away on a school trip.Going through the photos made me think alot really. First I thought "how old am I?" because I have had so many body shapes, hair do's and parties! I also felt really sad at the people and pets I have lost and that was quite difficult to deal with but I had some good memories too. The above photo is of me and my neice Emma Louise taken in 1991 - hard to believe that she is a full grown woman now about to have a baby of her own.

This is me aged a couple of weeks old. I remember that chair too. Mum had me at home and apparently I was an easy baby from day one. Wish I had had one of them!

This was taken in my back garden, I am the one with the long hair and the other girl is my best friend Karen Scott. We had such laughs together. This is the only photo I have of her and I really treasure it. Karen was killed in a car crash when she was 17. The first time ever her dad had not picked her up from the disco, she begged him to let her come home with her friends. Then the friends got into a car race on the industrial estate and the outcome was the death of a vibrant, kind, fun loving and beautiful girl.

I have had many parties in my life and this was a fun one, very well planned indeed! Yes we had party rules and we covered the carpets with plastic and stored the furniture - it was a fun party.

Taken in 1992 in Liverpool City my friend Julie and I having fun. My Swiss Italian friends came over for a week so we did alot of sight seeing and alot of silly things.

Where Did the Week Go?

2010-02-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

Phew! What a week! Where did it go?

I have spent the week trying to arrange the logistics of horse transportation and at last, I have it sorted. Cola will be joining us on 17th February. We have hired a horse box from Halls Horsebox Hire and Jason will be driving to Staffordshire to collect him with me. We have arranged his stable and ordered hay and straw and bought all the tools we need: brush, plastic shovel, poo picker, wheelbarrow, buckets, grooming kit and hay nets and my best buy was a PYKLE (hay fork). These are like gold dust these days and as I learnt to muck out using one, I didnt relish the idea of using a normal fork for the job. I am happy.

I have registered Cola with our vet and once he has arrived and settled the vet is coming out to see him and make sure that we have everything covered. I have even ordered a name sign for Cola's stable!

We are all so excited!

Mind you, this week has been a hard one for me as I have had a bit of a set back in my health. I have just felt achey, stiff and tired so I have taken it easy and tried not to do so much. I am recovering nicely and will be back to running next week.

Just took my naughty rabbit Ralph to the vet as he has an ulcer on his eye and a scratch on his other one! Alot of money later and we are home!

Coca Cola

2010-02-07T07:18:00.001-08:00

Introducing Coca Cola, soon to be our new member of the family! Cola is a Fell pony which is native to this country. Thick set and rugged, built for enduring harsh moorland winters. He is such a handsome chappy, I may even get Jason to do some inhand showing with him while the boys can do ridden showing.

I am so excited! I just need to sort out the transport and we will be all set!

Horses

2010-02-06T03:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a really long day! I went to weight watchers for my weekly weigh in and I have lost half a pound which is great considering the week I have had! I got called for a private chat with a WW lady and she has found a lump...... I gave her the best advice I could which was to call the hospital directly and get a date for her consultation which she has and we will take it from there.

We travelled to Staffordshire to see the Fell pony and I am in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are having him. He got bitten on his muzzle and so couldn't have a bit in his mouth so I rode him in a headcollar and he was fab fab fab. He responded perfectly to my leg aids and when we went out on the lanes he didnt bat an eye lid at: dogs, fire, hedge cutting, cyclists, tractors, vans..... It convinced me that he is going to be perfect for my boys. His name is Cola!

I went to the school PTA Quizz Night and we lost but hey! We got a consolation prize which I am keeping for a party in the spring yay!

Life is good!

The Gathering Part 4

2010-02-03T09:33:00.001-08:00

The rest of the weekend went way too fast for us! We enjoyed the Battle of the Bands during the afternoon when the bands played against a panel of judges to decide who would be warming up for the Alarm that evening. The evening gig was amazing but sadly, I fatigued and had to sit out but we could still see the stage and hear the music. We didn't make it to see Children of the Revolution at midnight or the punk rock kareoke but we loved what we did see. I keep forgetting that I am still recovering from chemo.

At 10am on the Sunday we met in the Love Hope Strength Foundation suite and after a speech from Mike and a collective sing song of Love Hope and Strength we took a stroll to the beach. Somebody forgot to check the tidal times because the waves were crashing against the barriers when we got there. Mike stood on the wave barriers and gave us an acoustic performance of Rain in the Summertime as he was splashed by the sea.

Back at the site, after a full english breakfast we met Mike and Jules and he gave me a personal message "Never give up without a fight". Jules thanked me for the care package I sent her and she was so sweet.

Today I had my mammogram. It wasn't pleasant as the scar tissue hurt when under the machine. Now I have to wait until the end of the month before I know the results.

February is an eventful month for me! On Friday we are going to look at a Fell pony in Staffordshire, I am doing the school quiz on Friday night in aid of the PTA, the week after we are going to the Take That Tribute Night (a year to the day of my operation), I have various hospital appointments and on 27th I am doing a sponsored Ghost Hunt at the Tower in Mold in aid of Wrexham Maelor Special Care Baby Unit. Phew! Will I manage it all!!! Yes I will!

The Gathering - Part 3 - The Acoustic Performance

2010-02-02T01:36:00.000-08:00

The Gathering 2010 was officially opened by Mike Peters at 7pm. He gave a rousing speech and I was lucky enough to be at the front so I was able to get some good shots.

We got to the acoustic stage in good time and I managed to get a place right at the front. Jason insisted on taking photos of me so I decided to comply!

This is the acoustic set stuck to Mikes guitar. He opened the gig with "Love, Hope and Strength" a beautiful ballard which says it all when you are fighting cancer! Blaze of Glory was the final song and I swear, I am going to have that played at my funeral as the casket goes out to the cremation chamber!

Mikes roadie did a fantastic job of looking after him. He made sure that he had a bottle of water near each side of the small stage, he poured him a glass of juice and made sure he had access to that, he was on hand with spare guitars and plectrums, the harmonicas were laid out nicely. He did a sterling job!

I wanted to get a shot of Mikes jeans because they were frayed at the bottom. I wanted to do this to show the world that Mike is not just a celebrity, he is a normal, down to earth family guy.

I was so lucky to be up front. I was standing next to one of Mikes neighbours who was there with his 7 year old daughter. They thoroughly enjoyed the gig. I liked "people" watching while I was listening to Mike play..... I got almost as much enjoyment from that as I did the concert. I clocked the expressions on the faces of the fans and only one word can describe them all and that is adoration!

This guy is 50 years young, this guy has fought cancer twice and is currently in remission and this guy can sing, play and perform with amazing energy! He is my inspiration.

Young, older we were all united in our love for Mikes music past and present. The one thing I couldn't understand though was the fact that a few of the fans were well under the influence of alcohol and while I enjoy a drink as much as the next person I felt that they were so inebriated that it would have taken the enjoyment away from the concert. I loved every minute of that session for so many reasons; the energy, the music, the close proximity so a guy who has helped get me through 2009, and people......

The Gathering - Part 2 (our accommodation)

2010-02-01T01:13:00.000-08:00

Prestatyn is a small coastal town in North Wales (my country) and it is where Mike Peters from The Alarm is from. Over the years, the Gathering has taken place in Llandudno (where my husband is from) and fans book into the local hotels but this year, Mike decided to bring the Gathering 2010 to Prestatyn and where better than at Pontins Holiday Camp!

What a genius idea this was, to hold the Gathering at the holiday camp where all the fans are together!

The chalet was small and compact but clean and had all the facilities we required. We didn't use the twin beds, instead we pulled out the sofa bed and because the mattress on that was pretty bad we utilised the single bed mattresses and got ourselves a nice comfy place to sleep.

We were situated on a top chalet at the edge of the site. I was dubious about the noise, this was a rock festival after all! I needn't have worried though, true to form, the Alarm fans were brilliant and the only noise we heard was that of the wind and the sea and the odd acoustic guitar floating on the wind.

The view from our chalet was lovely. It overlooked a park where people walked their dogs and the Prestatyn Golf course.

We also had a nice view of the mountains. When we woke up on Sunday morning, there was a light dusting of snow over them which was really pretty.

There was a shop on site as well as the pub and the swimming pool was open which I didn't expect so I could have kicked myself for not bringing my swimming cossy!!!!

It was great having the gigs on one site because you could dip in and out as you required. Although I am doing really well 3 months out of treatment, I am still just 3 months out of treatment and I do tend to tire easily, alot more easily than I used to. I don't care though because I am so excited by life and what it has to offer. This time last year, I was being told that it was going to be the worst year in my life (my surgeon was right) but the next 40 were gonna be amazing! This time last year, I booked my Gathering tickets and that was the light that kept me going through the dark days.

The entrance door to the Love Hope Strength suite.

All of my plans have been pushed back a year or so. I am still not fit enough to run a 10K race which is where I was last year and I am 2 stone over weight but I am booked in for the Race for Life 5K in May in aid of Cancer Research and I am going to look for a suitable 10K race in the autumn which I am going to run in aid of the Love Hope Strength Foundation. I have GOT to give something back to Mike Peters because his music and his strength got me through my war with cancer.

All around the camp site, the Poppy flags and Welsh flags were flying. To me, they symbolise Love, Hope, Strength. They symbolise my youth blending into maturity and all the benefits that brings over the years.

Gathering 2010 - part 1

2010-01-31T09:02:00.000-08:00

My mum came over to take care of the boys for the weekend while Jason and I went to the Gathering 2010 at Prestatyn. I booked our tickets this time last year when I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and at the time I really didn't know what the future had in store for me. All I knew was that I was going to go to the Gathering 2010 weekend and I was going to be fit and well to do so.

We arrived at Pontins at about 4pm having only driven for 40 minutes in Cooper! The chalet was basic but comfortable, we had everything that we needed; shower, loo, tv, microwave, cooker and fridge.

There was a pub on site called "The Queen Vic" so we had our tea there. A carvery was on offer and we chose the lamb. The doors were opened at 7pm by Mike Peters and the above video is of Mike officially opening the Gathering. He is an amazing man, he continues to inspire me and keep up with the fight. He has fought cancer himself twice and through his charity "The Love Hope Strength Foundation" he is making a huge difference.

More about the Gathering 2010 to follow..........

Hercepting #6

2010-01-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

So today was my 6th dose of herceptin and I am a third way through my treatment! I am still getting palpatations and heartburn and bless the heart of the nurse caring for me today (Gwen) even though I have a doctors appointment lined up for next week, she called the duty doctor over and arranged for a prescription of ant acids to tide me over.

We used my compromised arm again which is a relief because it doesn't hurt as much but Gwen is such a star at getting a line in, I had no worries with her.

Two new ladies and their husbands were shown into the unit and one had a teary moment. I felt so sorry for them because this time last year, I was in their shoes, not ever having seen anyone fight cancer, never been into a treatment unit, seeing people hooked up to killing machines, it is over whelming. At that point, I decided that I want to use my survivorship to help others and with that in mind I am going to be joining Immerman Angels. I will post seperately about this charity but if I can help someone then my life will be good.

Harry went to his friends house for tea today... I was so nervous because Harry never gets invited to play dates. However, the parents of the child are so kind and gentle, I didn't have many reservations. When he was returned home at 6pm with reports of good behaviour, I sighed a HUGE sigh of relief.

So all is good today! The Gathering 2010 is looming.......

I Love Reading

2010-01-25T13:26:00.001-08:00

Image courtesy of Amazon UK

I have just finished this book "Dead Until Dark" one in a series of vampire books about a human girl called Sookie Stackhouse. The television series based on these books is called True Blood.

I really enjoyed the series and didn't realise that there were books! Once I did, I bought them.

I am a slow reader but that doesn't really matter does it? If I have a good book I like to read and savour them.

Before cancer I didn't sit down long enough to read a book so this new habit I have adopted is fantastic and not one I am going to give up!

Jilly

2010-01-23T06:05:00.001-08:00

My little guineapig, Jilly, died yesterday.

I think that it must have been a heart attack because there were no signs that her passing was coming. She was an older guineapig and I think the really cold temperatures have been hard on her even though she lives with other guineapigs in the shed.

She had a good life.

She was part of a group of 6 guineapigs and they live in a large enclosure with huts and tunnels and wood logs to sit on and chew.

Most guineapigs live in cages but at least she was free.

She was a lovely guineapig. She looked like a brillo pad. My toddler neighbour thought she looked like a hedgehog. She was a Rex guineapig and had wiry hair.

I will miss her.

Hospitals! Hospitals! Hospitals!

2010-01-20T08:14:00.000-08:00

Well, today was supposed to be my annual mammogram. As I walked into Wrexham Maelor Hosptal I pondered the fact..... This time last year I was given a mammogram but it was different then, I KNEW I had a lump, this time I had no lumps or at least I was hoping I didn't. This was going to be a bit scarey really because it means waiting for the results.... Us cancer patients know all too well how nerve racking that is!

Now, I know I am technically "cancer free", the fact that I have had surgery, 12 rounds of chemo, radiotherapy, tamoxifen and herceptin makes it unlikely that the cancer has returned but there is always that niggling doubt.....

I got to the waiting room, pulled out my book and began to read. The waiting room was full of a selection of people of all ages. I could identify the ones in my boots because of the chemo cut - such a standard hair style! There were others with long hair and I envied them!

My name was called.......... but alas.......... the machine had broken down!

My next appointment will be on 3rd February - lets hope that there are no technical hitches on that day! More waiting........

I have a chat to the Shooting Star receptionists, such a lovely bunch of ladies, they always comment on my hair and how well I look. I waved goodbye, told them I would see them next week (herceptin time again!)

I am fed up of hospitals, doctors, dentists..........................

My Special Rock Garden

2010-01-19T12:12:00.000-08:00

I collect stones from the beach when I visit. I don't choose a stone for its shape, I just let the stone draw me to it. I decided to decorate my front door step with the stones and painted them with uplifting words and sentences.

I then decided that I would paint the names of my friends who are fighting or have fought cancer. The idea is that as I cross over the threshold of my house each day (a few times a day) I see my friends names and my thoughts and prayers go out to them.

If you cannot see your name on a stone and you would like me to put your name on one then please let me know by leaving a comment. Barry Fraser, there is a stone with your name on it, it is small and white and I don't think it was captured in the shot.

I find painting the stones very theraputic. I don't know what colours I will use or what I will paint until I feel the stone in my hand.

Several friends have commented on my stones and how pretty they make the door step look and I have explained to them the reason for my particular rock garden.

If I come home feeling sad or angry, I just glance down at my stones as I turn the key in my door and I am reminded that I am surrounded by love, family, friends, hope, faith and strength.

PS: you see the Race for Life badge on my blog? I am doing the 2010 Race for Life in May for Cancer Research. I would appreciate sponsorship and this can be done online by following the link. Please help me to realise my vision of the future where all cancers are treatable.

Race for Life 2010

2010-01-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

I took part in the 2008 Race for Lifeand at the time I had no experience with cancer. I didn't really know anyone who had had the disease and at 41 I didn't think I would get it.

I ran for all those who have fought cancer or who are fighting cancer, in particular Mike Peters of The Alarm. He is a two time cancer survivor having fought two types of leukemia in the last 10 or 15 years. I wanted to raise awareness for his charity the Love Hope Strength Foundation so having gotten in touch with Shannon Foley, I received a badge which I placed on my race card along with Mike Peters name and I managed to raise some money for Cancer Research.

A year ago I found a lump in my breast quite by accident. It wasn't a small lump either so I don't know how I missed that. On 4th February 2009 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer which was hormone and HER2 receptive, in other words - aggressive!

On 13th February my tumour was removed via a lumpectomy and I had a sentinal node biopsy. After many prayers I discovered that the tumour had been removed with a good clear margin and the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes so no further surgery was necessary. The operation itself was painful as I suffered a large haematoma which took months and months to clear and has stretched the scar so its not as neat as it should be but who am I to complain, they got the cancer out didn't they?!

On 20th March I started my regime of chemotherapy: 4 lots of Epi-Reubison every 3 weeks then 8 lots of CMF week 1, week 2 with a two week break. My veins managed to supply my body with the poisen right up until the end when they collapsed. Then followed radiotherapy. On 2nd October 2009 the most radical part of my treatment was over.

I have herceptin via IV every 3 weeks and regular heart scans, the herceptin carries a risk of heart damage, oh, yes, and I am on tamoxifen for the next 5 years.

Right now my energy is back, I am able to discipline the kids, walk the dogs and run! Wow! How I missed running so much!

So.... this year I have JUST entered the 2010 Race for Life in May! This time I am not only doing it for Mike Peters, I am doing it for ME among a number of my new bloggin/facebook friends!

My sponsorship link is on my blog please, please, please will you sponsor me!

I have benefited from new break throughs in cancer treatment...... the sentinal node biopsies have only been around in the past few years - this has meant that I have my mobility and I am at a lesser risk of developing a painful condition called lympodemia. HERCEPTIN - the wonder drug which targets the HER2 cancer cells..... the new breed of cancer treatment I hope!

A Good Weekend

2010-01-17T05:26:00.000-08:00

I was just looking through some of my video clips and I found this one of Harry which made me giggle! He is running and running but its the look on his face that makes me smile!

We have had a good weekend so far with few melt downs. Jasons mum came yesterday and we had a nice chat, she took the boys out around the village. They went to Christ Church, Rossett where Harry went into the pulpit and recited the Lords Prayer. They then said a little prayer of thanks for my good health - thats nice. I don't know if you have seen a picture of my crosses but the boys got me one each last year on one of their Nana expeditions. I have framed them and they are above my bed. They are hand carved and proceeds went to help others.

We had our pizza night but I made the mistake of changing the "make" of pizza which didn't go down well with Harry. I tried to tell him it was the same as usual but there's no fooling him!

Today the boys have been horse riding. Joe rode Cracker and Harry rode Red Robin. They had a good lesson, the sun was shining and it was a lovely day to ride. We stopped off at Farm & Pet to buy some rabbit food and now we are home, doing our own things!

Life after cancer. I think you open up your mind once you have faced your own mortality, you free your spirit and see only the good life has to offer. I am blessed with good friends who keep me flying high!

On that note...................... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2010-01-16T11:11:00.000-08:00

Images are courtesy of Amazon.co.uk My 8 year old son is autistic, (aspergers) and he has trouble dealing with the world and its complicated ways. Sometimes this leads to anger and frustration and because he doesn't look as though he has a disability people are very condemning but they just don't understand.

I purchased these two books from Amazon UK to try and help Harry with his anger issues. There is no support available to us from the authorities despite the increased awareness of autism so we are very much on our own. I am very impressed with the Red Beast book and I think the only way I can explain it to you is to quote parts of the foreword:

"Any parent of a child with special needs will tell you that it is the uncontrollable outbursts of rage which are the most difficult to contend with"

"Some children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder ASD are prone to regular outbursts of rage, since simply living through a normal day is often fraught with anxiety and frustration. Children with Aspergers Syndrome seem to be the most affected because they are more self aware"

The book disassosiates the feeling of anger from the child themselves and instead calls it the Beast. In doing so it takes away the feelings of guilt and resulting low self-esteem.

This book is going to prove invaluable to me!

I wasn't too impressed with "When Sophie Gets Really Really Angry..." We could all identify Harry as Sophie but I didn't like the idea that when Sophie gets angry she runs away into the countryside. Children with autism mimic things such as stories or films etc, they also take things literally so this book could prove to be quite dangerous. I am quite sure that this book has its place but not for a child with autism.

It is very exhausting living with a child or children with special needs because you have to teach them everything, things which are normally learnt automatically. That coupled with the fact that they usually have communication dishorders makes it a very stressful environment.

I could write a book about my life with my boys. I am not saying it is all bad because it most certainly is not in fact the disability brings joy with it as well as strife!! You learn to become tolerant of their ways and life is spent "walking on egg shells" because the wrong word, the wrong look - can lead to a complete melt down. I have learnt an indirect approach works better with my children, a few half truths and ignoring alot. However, it is emotionally draining.

Mind you, I might find it hard parenting children with special needs but whenever I start to feel hard done to, I put myself in their shoes, I try to see the world through their eyes and to be quite honest with you I am in awe of them. They have adopted clever strategies in order to manage their situation but no matter what, the world is a scarey place when you are not sure what comes next. No wonder Harry wants to stay home all the time!

Friday Shoot Out - BIRDS

2010-01-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

I thought I was going to really struggle with this weeks assignment - BIRDS but I am quite pleased with the pictures I got. We went up the mountain to our friends house yesterday and I was hoping to get some pictures of pheasants but they were deep undercover because of the cold.

My friend has got these geese and they are always milling around the yard looking for food, at one point they even ventured into the utility and tried to steal the dog food! They can be quite nasty and are considered by some to be better guard dogs than dogs themselves!

The brown ones are the nastiest so my friends said so I kept well away from them!

They make quite a noise, gaggling along in their little "goose" line.

I did get a picture of pheasants but they weren't live. Some may not like this but this is countryside living. The birds roam wild and free and live a lovely life until they are shot. Not killed in an abetoir en masse. These pheasants are being "hung" to improve the flavour of the meat.

I collect teddy bears and this one is a limited edition Steiff called "Romance". I bought this bear because of the little robin he is holding. I always connect Robins with my late brother Peter so I just had to have this bear for my collection and as you will have guessed, the bears name is Peter.

This is a close of shot of the Robin singing his song to Peter.

The MINI badge has wings so it could be a bird of sorts.

A great assignment, really got me thinking!

War Horse

2010-01-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

Image courtesy of Amazon UK

I have just finished reading the book called War Horse by Michael Morpugo. It is a childrens book but I found it to be a captivating read.

I bought it for my eldest son as he enjoyed "Born to Run" by the same author which was bought for him as a Christmas gift from his nana. I enjoyed the book as well so being a lover of horses, I couldn't wait to get my hands on this one.

The story is told through the eyes of a horse called Joey. A bitter sweet tale of suffering, love, loss and friendship during the first world war.

I knew that horses were used during the first world war but hadn't realised to what extent and how valuable they were.

This is a book that will be treasured along with Black Beauty, Son of Black Beauty, Greyfriars Bobby, Copper and My Dog Skip to name but a few.

I am grateful for not getting up late this morning, for being able to read because books bring such joy and knowledge, for having a warm home during this hard and cold winter, for my animals who bring me comfort and companionship and for my family whom I love dearly.

Running in the Snow

2010-01-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

I have just about had enough of waiting for the thaw. The thought of running on a treadmill at the gym struck dread in my heart! Today, I tested the ice and it was soggy so I decided to go for my usual run outside. Instead of pounding the lanes which would be quite dangerous, I opted for a run through Darland woods then across the golf course. I tested out my new thermal running tights which were fab, I must say, well worth the money!

It was lovely listening to the crunch of the snow underfoot, quite theraputic. I soon warmed up and removed my woolly hat. The snow came down gently and the landscape was so pretty. Not many animals around and the lake had totally frozen over!

I managed to run a mile which is nothing compared to what I was doing pre-cancer but hey, this body has done me proud........ it has been cut open, poisened and burned within an inch of its life, the sorry state of my veins are an example of that! Despite this, my body has continued to function, I am alive and I am getting fitter by the day. Pretty soon, I am hoping to be up to at least 5 miles a run which will total 20 miles per week! Watch this space!

The affects of the herceptin kicked in this afternoon and I felt a little nausious and had a dicky tummy but its over now for another 3 weeks!

Jason and I took the dogs out for a walk and I collected my friends dog along the way. I manage to set her alarm off in doing so because I punched in the wrong code and in my panic just didn't know what to do. Luckily she was able to answer the phone and put me right! Molly (my friends dog) was the only one to take a walk on the frozen lake.... phew! my heart was in my mouth!

My diet is going well so far! I am focused and determined to reach my goal, I have 2 stone to lose and I know I am fighting cancer drugs but I will do it because I never admit defeat! Again I say to you..... watch this space!

Now, what is on my grateful list today??????

1. I am grateful for a fab husband who, when we got up late today jumped into action and got the kids to school!

2. I am grateful for my health and faculties, I was able to run today and appreciate nature in its glory

3. I am grateful for my positive attitude which has got me through the hell that was 2009

4. I am grateful for my determined spirit because I will achieve my goals

5. I am grateful for my friends, without whom I just wouldn't be where I am today!

Tomorrow....... off to the Orthodontist at Chester City Hospital and he will want to know why I haven't been wearing my retainers and why I haven't got my teeth "prettied" up yet. Do I tell him or do I let him lecture me then tell him or do I let him lecture me and say nothing? I will let you know what happens tomorrow!

Being Grateful

2010-01-10T04:14:00.000-08:00

Image is courtsey of google search engine

I read a magazine article recently which suggests that by writing down 5 things you are grateful each day for when you wake up, makes you a happier and more content person.

I am always ready to try anything which might have a positive outcome so I did that this morning and I will share them with you today;

1. I am grateful for not drinking wine last night, I feel so much better this morning as a result.

2. I am grateful because Harry is getting better, he was so poorly yesterday with a high temperature and I found it really distressing.

3. I am grateful for being alive, that my lumpectomy was a success. Scars? Doesn't matter because I am alive to see Joseff and Harry growing up.

4. I am grateful for having such a sensible son in Joseff. He is so good, takes everything in his stride. I wish I could split my time more evenly. Harry takes so much of my attention.

5. I am grateful to be able to "SEE" because without my sight I would miss so much.

I won't give you a daily report on my 5 things I am grateful for each day because they will probably end up being mostly the same!

The Blessing of Children

2010-01-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

I had a real "bee in my bonnet" today about getting the house tidy so after I had been to the supermarket for a few provisions, I set about my task. It was inspired really by my dog Wilbur who had thrown up all over my sofa! Luckily, it is a leather sofa so I was able to clean it and treat it with leather cream and it looks all shiny and new! The cushions didn't fair so well, I put them in the washing machine, 2 of them were fine but the other is all out of shape, however, the rabbits can have that one to snuggle up to in the cold.

So I have scrubbed and cleaned all day long.

Harry is quite tired today and he is like me in that when we get tired we just need to rest. He told me that he had been sleeping on his bedroom floor and he still felt really tired. I gave him some food thinking that he may have had an energy dip but he then requested that I have a warm bath with him.

"What a nuisance" I thought to myself, just when I was getting the house sorted out. I then pulled myself up and gave myself a good talking too! Housework will always be there even when I am dead and gone but my little boy won't. Very soon, he will be too old to have baths with me, what was I thinking of, putting housework before my boy?

As we relaxed in the bath, Harry at one end, me at the other, we chatted about things quietly. It then dawned on me that had it not been for Harry wanting me to spend time with him relaxing, I would have carried on working until I was exhausted myself. Probably naggy and not much use to anyone! He made me take time out to relax and that is the BLESSING OF CHILDREN!

I am now off upstairs to lie on my bed with him and watch a DVD. It will probably be something boring but I don't think Mr H minds if I read and watch at the same time.

I once cross stitched a poem, I must find it because it gave us parents a very important message.... children don't keep forever. Some of the passage goes like this "...so hush now cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep..."

Friday Shoot Out - FENCES

2010-01-08T04:23:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry, I have had an eventful week this week and as a result, haven't been able to get shooting. However, I have rummaged through my archive!

Above is a picture taken on the mountain in Llanarmon. You can just about make out the fence and the old gate.

Taken in the summer in Erddig Estate. The fence is made of iron and much nicer than the wire ones we see so frequently these days.

The geese at the Equestrian Centre where the boys ride. Fences will be made out of anything you can find, in this case an old gate held together with baling twine.

My favourite place, Erddig Hall. This doorway leads into the formal gardens from the working courtyard.

A very nice gate and fence from Erddig Hall. This is the old entrance to the Hall.

Poppy, Pickles and Wilbur in Darland Woods just 5 minutes walk from my house. You can see the reflection of the fencing on the woodland floor.

Sigh.......................

2010-01-07T01:33:00.000-08:00

2009 was such an eventful year for me, although not in the way I would have liked so 6? 7? days into 2010 its all quite calm....

The children were kept off school yesterday because of the snow and they had a brilliant time outside playing! My neighbour, Fran and I made a snowman with the kids and that was good fun although when the light went later that day the older kids came along and took great delight in destroying it, that was sad!

The older kids are a source of frustration for all residents of our small cul-de-sac. They play football and the balls hit our cars and our houses... in the end, Jason had to go out with his warrant card and tell them officially that it was against the law to play ball games on a public highway, they just wouldn't listen to me! The parents never supervise the children, never have done, they seem to think its alright that they cause hundreds of pounds worth of damage to other peoples property. When my boys are outside playing, I plant myself in the window so that I can keep an eye on what is going on.

The same boys taunt the younger children, in fact, they run off with their bikes and earlier on in the year it was because of such an act that Harry (who takes great care of his bike) had his bike driven over! It's funny how quickly the older children disappeared, leaving Harry hiding in the shed having destroyed my pot plants in frustration, crying and shivering with distress.

Yesterday, the same boys taunted Harry again and the result was that he threw one of his new gloves into a tree and the other down the drain. I was then left to deal with the mess at home. By mess, I mean Harry's mood.

I had enough by 5.30pm, I had reached my melt down point because Harry is always challenging but he is growing up and so is challenging in a new way. I have to re-group and decide how I am going to deal with this, its not easy! Luckily my husband took care of the children and I took myself off to bed with my book just to chill.... I didn't read much, too emotionally exhausted but at least I did shake off my bad mood.

It is so hard dealing with children who have Speech, Language and Communication Disorders. Such small words really but they have a much deeper meaning, significance. It impacts on every aspect of life and learning... Going to the shop is never easy, going to the pantomine, anywhere outside the home...... I am sick and tired of parents at school putting a label on Harry as a "bad boy" because they haven't got a clue on what he has to deal with, or me for that matter!

I am so sorry, I didn't want this to turn into a whinging post but I have hit a rock in my life with this one. Its good in a way though because it shows that I am getting back to my old self after cancer but frustrating never the less.

I also feel that it is my duty to highlight the issues of this dishorder and that of autism. So many people look at my beautiful boy and just do not realise what he has to live with.

Promise me that if you see a child swearing, lashing out, lieing on the supermarket floor, fiddling with buttons or belts..... you won't condemn that child or his parents. You will smile at the parent, you will smile at the child and you will say a prayer for them.

New Year and a New Me!

2010-01-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

....... well not quite!

I have started back on my Weight Watchers diet today and I am waiting for my ASDA Home Delivery to bring me all of my healthy food choices. I scrolled through the weight watchers recipe page and selected a whole range of recipes, made my shopping list and did it online! By doing things this way I am hoping to cut my grocery budget, cut down on food waste and try some new foods. I will probably post some of the recipes online and let you know whether or not they were a success.

Jason is at work and the children are off school until Tuesday so my window of opportunity for exercise is limited! I was given a Wii Fit for my birthday but I am a bit of a mentally driven exercisor, I need to be away from my home environment and I need to be totally focused on what I am doing. When in the gym I am not one of those people looking for a social, I am totally "in the zone" - its the only thing that works for me.

So having a few weeks of eating rubbish I am ready for this new start, I am looking forward to achieving my targets set for this year.

My Town Friday Shoot Out - Under Construction

2009-12-31T06:17:00.001-08:00

This weeks assignment is "Under Construction".

Well my PANDORA bracelet which is pictured above is most definately under construction. It tells the story of my fight with Breast Cancer. My best friend bought me the bracelet and the breast cancer charm. Each bead marks a significant chapter in my life, the first red one was when I finished Epi-Reubison, the rabbit next to it was when I finished CMF and the hedgehog was for when my hair began to grow back, the love heart was our 15th wedding anniversary and the day of my last but one round of chemo, the coloured one next to it was given to me by my husband because I had such a rough time with that particular round of chemo. I will be leaving a bead space free for when I get my 5 years all clear from cancer!

Me? Well I am most definately UNDER CONSTRUCTION in 2010. I have to shed 2 stone, I want my hair to grow and I am going to get my teeth sorted out! You see, last Christmas I finished 3 years of brace work and just had them removed, I was waiting until my teeth settled before I was going to have some veneers, a cap and replacement fillings. Cancer and its treatment put the cap on that but I promised myself this year that it would get done!

This is my best friend Jan in the pottery centre in Centre Parcs. She is in the middle of painting me a red mini!

...and this is the finished product. She has copied every aspect of my own Mini Cooper including the tinted rear windows. The only difference was the slogan "GIRLS ROCK" across the bonnet!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

Review of the last decade....

2009-12-30T02:50:00.001-08:00

Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.

I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself

I beat my disordered eating pattern

I lost all my hair!

I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001

9/11 and the aftermath

My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!

I re-trained as a dog groomer

I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck

I have had my hair long, short and bald!

I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship

Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage

The unnecessary war in Afghanistan and loss of so many livesI met HM the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Wrexham. What a charming couple!

I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race

I got back together with my dad

I started running seriously

I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him

I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)

The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.

New Year - No Resolutions!!

2009-12-28T07:28:00.000-08:00

This year I have decided that I am not going to have New Years Resolutions, instead, I am going to have targets or objectives.

They are quite simple ones really;

1. I want to run the 2010 Race for Life and raise money for Cancer Research. I ran it in 2008 for Mike Peters but couldn't do it in 2009 because my cancer treatment left me too drained. 2010 I am going to do it for me and my other cancer fighting friends, you know who you are!

2. I want to run my first 10k race. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year I had almost finished training for my first 10k race which was due to take place on 1st March in Farndon. The pain caused by my biopsy and surgery meant that it was impossible for me to do this. I won't be fit enough in time for the next Farndon 10K but I am going to look for another one during the year and raise some money for Cancer research or the MacMillan information centre in Wrexham Hospital.

3. I want to reach my goal weight. My hormones went crazy in 2008 which meant I went up 2 dress sizes and gained 2 stone. I had lost a stone in weight when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was unable to keep on with weight watchers during treatment. I was craving carbohydrates and cheese and who was I to deny my poor body such pleasures? Also, the tamoxifen and steroids have caused bloating most of which has gone but I still can't wear my wedding, engagement and eternity rings. However, I AM wearing my Nain's wedding ring (welsh for grandmother) and my Great Auntie Lizzies engagement ring.

4. I want to learn Reiki. It is something I have wanted to do for years, I want to use it in my work with dogs and animals. I am fed up with dogs coming to me nervous or traumatised by the grooming process and I have always sought ways to make the matter more comfortable for them. I have used DAP spray, booked in extra time for nervous clients at no extra cost, so Reiki for me will be such a good tool for easing the distress of these animals.

These are all achievable targets so as we get through 2010 and I complete each one, lets celebrate together!

Pantomine Fun

2009-12-27T02:36:00.000-08:00

- REVIEW: Llandudno panto is Strictly stunning This is one of the reviews about the pantomine we went to see yesterday!

For those followers of Strictly Come Dancing, you will appreciate Craig Revel Horwood and some of the jokes in the show!

Thank you to my mother in law, Margaret who arranged this Boxing Day treat for us. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We had good seats, Margaret made sure of that and the show was spectacular. The costumes were a joy, the jokes were so funny, the dancing and singing was great....... The only thing that spoilt it a bit for me was having a Harry with me who doesn't have a great attention span. He kept asking "when do we go home" and yet, whenever thunder struck or the wicked witch came on stage..... he was mesmorised! Panto experiences with a child with autism require patience.......

Christmas Day 2009

2009-12-25T06:11:00.000-08:00

This Christmas Day I want to wish everyone Christmas Blessings. It doesn't matter what your religeon is, it doesn't matter if you don't believe, all that matters is that we are here and we are sharing love and joy. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are less fortunate than me, those who are mourning the loss of loved ones, those who are ill, or trapped in conflict.

We have just had our Christmas dinner and I am so stuffed full of food! I am sitting here wearing my paper crown and watching the traditional Christmas edition of Top of the Pops, waiting for the Queens speech at 3pm. I have Wilbur curled up next to me, he stole a party popper and it exploded in his mouth. He was very scared and dejected and immediately came to me for reassurance, he is such a silly dog. I love Wilbur because there is not a nasty bone in his body, even if he has just met you he will look at you with such complete adoration, I think thats why when things go wrong or upset him he gets very hurt!

Pickles loves her new toys especially the dog beer! The dogs have had their Christmas dinner too and loved every morsal! Oh no! Pickles has started........ she is grumbling....... mumbling......... woofing....... she wants my coffee!

Just look at all the the gifts Santa brought my boys. The best part about it was that neither boys asked for much because I have taught them about the cost of things and both were over the moon with everything they had. Even though there were gifts I was unable to get for them, not a complaint was made, I am so proud of them.

Joe enjoys playing chess and all he wanted this Christmas was a proper chess set. The one we got him is hand carved and is beautiful, something I hope he will keep and treasure for years to come.

My boys got me this Steiff pony! She is a welcome addition to my collection of bears. I love Steiff creatures so much because of the attention to detail. I didn't know of this pony but its lovely and I will treasure it forever.

I have been so lucky this Christmas but the best of all is just being alive and well this Christmas, being with my family, enjoying them, relishing in their youth. They still believe in Father Christmas and its such a special time. This is probably the last year that Joe believes because he is off to high school in September.... bitter sweet.

So on this special and Holy day, I wish you all health and happiness this Christmas and for the coming new year.

My Town Friday Shoot Out - Angels

2009-12-24T09:22:00.001-08:00

This week I have been so busy preparing for Christmas that I haven't had time to take the pictures I would have liked to so I have dipped into my archive.

My horse "MAC" pictured above is in Heaven now. He was such a darling horse, so kind and reliable, I would have trusted anybody on him.

My darling pony Shilo, was one of the loves of my life. I was given him because he was a naughty pony and as a rescue came hand in hand with a load of problems. We worked together and I turned him into the handsome King you see in this picture. He was my King, he was my first love.

These are my two little darling Angels. They give me a reason to live and a purpose in my life. They have kept me going this year through my fight with Breast Cancer. When my hair fell out they accepted me for who I was, never once making me feel ugly or unloved. They are my true little Angels.

In this picture is my big brother, Peter Geraint (the police constable). He died 19 years ago and I KNOW that he is my guardian angel, looking out for me on the other side!

My beautiful girl Bobbi! Now she really was an Angel sent to me by God. When I was a little girl I used to pray for a dog of my own. She would be small, she would be scruffy and she would be all mine...... Years and years later, my wish came true, in fact I always refered to her as "my gift from God" or "my wish come true". She got me through some difficult times, years of disappointment when we were trying for a baby. When at last I became pregnant with Joe, she got me through the labour, distracting me from my pain. She kept me company during the night feeds and was always at my side. When Joe was a few months, I found out that Bobbi had lymphoma at just 5 years old..... She died in August 1999 and I felt as though a light had been switched off in my heart. Looking back, I know that she was sent to me by God to help me through those terrible years and once her "job" was done, it was time for her to go back to Him. Ten long years have passed since she died and I think about her all the time. She is my darling Angel Bobbi.

I had lots of gifts today....

2009-12-23T11:38:00.001-08:00

I have had a really lucky day today! I braved Sainsburys to get the Christmas food in. It was mad, trying to get a parking spot but once I was in the shop it was quite alright. I purchased my goods then when I got to the checkout I asked the girl if I could take my reward points off the bill. "It will only be a few pounds...." how wrong was I? It turned out to be almost £70 which halved my bill! I nearly jumped for joy. I grinned from ear to ear and said to the girl that this was my Christmas present come early.

I then went into Wrexham town shopping with my mum. We had a lovely time, the fair was in town so too was the market in Queens Square and I loved the smell of hot donuts mmmmmmmm

We had a successful trip but the nicest stop of all was at a new shop that has opened near the butchers market. They sell crystals and herbs, ideal for buying Joe his crystals. We got chatting to the owner and it turns out that he is a medium and a healer. He told me I had a healing aura which is funny because I am seriously interested in learning reiki. He started to stroke his upper lip and asked me about a man with a moustache....... my brother Peter, he grew one not long before he was killed.

So I have returned home so pleased with my day because I have been so blessed with all the lovely gifts I have been given today.

Christmas Wishes

2009-12-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that 2009 is nearly over!

2009 started off so well and yet two weeks into the new year I found my cancerous lump, quite by accident. I still feel as though this year has been a dream, the whole experience has been surreal. Perhaps thats my way of coping with the enormity of what has happened to me. I had cancer..... I have fought cancer..... it just doesn't seem to register in my mind.

So I think back to this time last year, life was so hectic then with my dog grooming business and all my customers wanting to be clipped and bathed in preparation for the festivities. The rush of shopping, the wrapping of presents and the being together. It was a lovely Christmas last year..... I had come to terms with my past, I had faced my demons and I was ready to enjoy life. I didn't know at the time that I hadn't faced the worst demon yet, that was to come on 16th January 2009, the day I found my lump.

I can't believe that I have been through every season this year, from winter, spring, summer, autumn and now back to winter! It all seems misty in my minds eye.

This Christmas I am not as fit as I was last year but I am ALIVE. Sitting upstairs, wrapping my sons gifts, I felt overwhelmed by the joy at being HERE to celebrate Christmas with them. I bought Joe some books and as I wrote in each one, dedicating them to him, I was more aware of how special those dedications will eventually become.

So THANK YOU GOD for me finding the cancer, THANK YOU for the surgeon who was able to remove it with a good clear margin, THANK YOU for it not having spread to my lymph nodes, THANK YOU for the new techniques and medicines I have and am benefiting from (sentinal node biopsy and herceptin), THANK YOU for getting me through chemotherapy, THANK YOU for the wonderful nurses and staff at the Shooting Star Unit but most of all, most of all, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LIVE ON.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Snow!

2009-12-20T13:47:00.001-08:00

We went to our friends house today in Llanarmon DC, it was snowing when we got there and the wind was blowing a bit of a blizzard. We did really well until we headed up the lane towards there home and then we got stuck on the road. We tried to get the car up but in the end we had to abandon it. Luckily we were able to park it at a holiday cottage which was not being used and we walked up the hill. On the way we walked along the stream and it was so wonderful to see the icicles in the stream, you can see them in the picture above.

The stream was quite fast flowing with all the snow.

This is a picture of me and Joe on the walk up the hill to our friends house. The walk was steep and by the end of it I was boiling hot!

Oliver is my friends youngest son. He is 2 and a bit years old and a complete joy. He is sooooo funny and entertaining. He was ready to go sledging here but only lasted a short while in the cold!

My friend Llinos, my son Harry and her daugher Eleri having some sledging fun. You can see how thick and fast the snow was falling.

I had to take this picture of the view from the hill, it was so beautiful. At this point, Jason, Llinos and the children were higher up having sledging fun. The snow was being whipped up so much I decided to stay put where I was.

Alvin, Oliver and Jason getting ready for some sledging action. Didn't manage to stay out long because it was so cold and the horses had to be brought into their stables.

It was so cold up there but the children had so much fun. I wished I didn't feel the cold so much otherwise I would have had alot more fun myself. Mental note to self...... must get myself some insulated trousers and then I can participate!

How Do We Solve a Problem like My Harry?

2009-12-20T02:43:00.001-08:00

I have had to focus on myself this last year. I have had to somehow get through cancer treatment and get to the end of the year. I have done it! However, during this time I have not been able to be as hands on with my sons, especially Harry who is autistic and has communication difficulties. I was always pro-active with Mr H and always watching him but after the months I have had, I have distanced myself. I have had to, otherwise I just couldn't have coped.

Both my kids have had so much to deal with aside from their difficulties. They have seen their mum worried, scared, sad, angry, seen the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. They have seen my hair fall out and re-grow. What a difficult situation for "normal" kids.

Harry is having difficulty coping with his emotions at the moment and it is becoming a growing problem as he hurts others which is not acceptable. I am worried sick that he will grow up to be in constant trouble. I think this has been a big contributor to why I have been so depressed this weekend.

I bought the book "Volcano in my Tummy" a couple of years ago but like alot of strategies it wasn't right for Harry at the time. Now he is older, I am going to be using this book to teach him about his anger and how he can manage it without hurting others.

I have just spent £30 with Amazon on a selection of other books about anger and dealing with it in a more positive way. I won't bombard Harry with the books but will use them to drip feed the message. I will bring school on board with my plan so that it can be further re-inforced there.

Lets hope these books work! I have already used others similar to this "Is It Right to Fight" etc with great success.

I will let you know how we progress!

Being a mum is the hardest job I have ever done but the most rewarding. Sometimes though, I just wish..... I just wish with all my heart that I could have had a more "average" or, dare I say it? "normal" experience of parenting.

Today I am Negative

2009-12-19T04:52:00.001-08:00

Today is a BLUE day for me! I am feeling depressed. Sorry if you are hoping for a cheery and positive post today because it isn't going to happen.

My hormones are all over the place, I understand this. The drugs I am on are playing havoc with my system and I am still recovering from chemotherapy and its side effects.

I am a positive person, I try my best to be kind to people, always have a smile on my face but sometimes its all too much.

My way of dealing with bad things in my life is to put them in a box and close the lid on them. Every now and again, the lid is opened and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of everything and this is how I am feeling today.

I am sick and tired of the hands I get dealt in life. Nothing is easy, everything I ever have comes with a huge price tag.

I am so angry that I lost my big brother Peter. Life would have been so much better if he had lived and I wouldn't have to see the loss in my mums eyes. I am fed up with the fact that my other condition (other than cancer) had played havoc with my body all my life, leaving it hard to have children. Miscarriage, years of fertility treatment..... Do you know what its like to live each month in hope and each month your dreams are dashed and you grieve again and again and again....

Then when I have children they are riddled with colic and not only that, they have speech, language and communication difficulties. If you see a child in a wheelchair you can see the disability but with my boys it is hidden. You can't begin to understand what living with this disability is like, what it is like to be a parent of a child with this condition.

Then I get breast cancer......... Life SUCKS BIG TIME!

Why me?

I don't want to look the way I look either. Overweight... hair too short... scars all over my body. I feel like a reject....

Friday Shoot Out

2009-12-19T02:33:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas trees, real ones! The smell of pine in the house is truly wonderful. I don't enjoy decorating the tree though, I leave that to the boys! We have a lovely collection of ornaments, each one with their own memory. We have one from New York which is a foil scene of the twin towers....

I like the idea of Father Christmas and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! Part of me still believes!

I love this new generation of Christmas decorations, reindeer outside!

Life is Amazing!

2009-12-17T08:28:00.000-08:00

(Click on images to enlarge)

Christmas always awakens a whole range of emotions for me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong, its got to be the best time of year, I love it but I do get swamped with alsorts of feelings and emotions and occasionally I feel overwhelmed.

I saw my eldest son Joseff perform his last ever Christmas play in primary school. I have known all of his classmates since they were babies and it was so strange seeing them up there on stage performing their hearts out. The picture above is of me and Joseff, I think he was only a few weeks old in the picture. When he was born, I considered myself the luckiest person in the whole world. I had been on fertility treatment for years and had almost given up hope of having children when he came along.

Joseff had his Christening in Gresford Parish Church on 27th December 1998 aged 10 weeks old. From left to right: Julie, Angela, Me & Joe, Jason, Amanda & Kieran and Karl.

Keiran is now a strapping young man!

I can't begin to describe how exhilerated and wonderful I felt when this photo was taken. Joseff had only just been born and I couldn't wait to get him back in my arms again. He was born in the early hours of the morning following just 2 hours of labour. We both went into shock but he was born safely just as the doctors arrived. I remember going onto the ward with him and just staring at him for hours.

Harry didn't like Father Christmas when he was 2 years old. He just wanted to grab his present and go! I love this photo so much! I wish I had known about his condition then, maybe I would have considered the impact of Father Christmas a little more and been a bit more sympathetic to his very real fear.

Harry loved Buzz Lightyear, he was his favourite toy for a long time until eventually he did actually fall apart. I remember clearly the day he preteneded to be Buzz in Dodleston Park. He was on a climbing frame, about 4ft in the air when I saw him press his imaginary button, make all the right sounds before his jump..... Luckily we got to him in time and disaster was avoided. Harry always gets into character when he is playing, he BECOMES the person he is playing which sounds cute but not when it involves flying, jumping and other dangerous activities.

This time of year I think about my loved ones. Dear Peter, forever 25. Last night I watched the Royal Variety Performance on TV and Bette Midler performed "Wind Beneath my Wings". I cried my heart out because I used to play that after Peter died, it says everything about how I felt about him because he was my heroe I used to idolise him.

Today is the 20th anniversary of my Nains death. She was a remarkable lady, with a beautiful face, equally beautiful smile and a twinkle in her eye.

Life is pretty amazing really. Yes, I have lost loved ones tragically, yes I have been through fertility treatment and miscarriage, I have children with speech & communication difficulties and one who is autistic and I have just battled breast cancer. However, each of these situations has made me the person I am today. I am proud and so glad to have been able to know my Nain, I am so lucky to have had such a devoted big brother in Peter. No matter what the ever lasting pain of their loss has inflicted on me, it was worth the honour and privelage of having them in my life. I am lucky to still have mum and dad in my life and a lovely little brother, Gareth not to mention my Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil.

So.... against all odds, I have it all. I wonderful husband and two glorious boys. I have fought cancer and will continue to do so because I intend to be around for many years to come. Life has so much to offer and I am currently just deciding what I am going to do with it. There was a time that I dreaded feeling this happy because something always happened to snatch my happiness away..... I don't think anything will happen this time, I have a feeling in my heart.

My plans for the future include practicing Reiki, running to raise money for cancer research and autism, opening a dog grooming salon and God willing..... becoming a Nain x

Christmas Plays are Great!

2009-12-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

We have just returned from the first showing of St. Peters School Christmas play, Scrooge! It was a really good show and children from all years were involved. I thought it was so funny that my Joe being the smallest in his class was Tiny Tim! Sad to think that this is the last ever production that these children will perform together. These kids have been through mother and toddlers, nursery, reception through to final year 6 and come September they will move on to high school. Some will be going to the feeder school of Darland which is where Joe will be going, others will move further afield to Castell Alan and Bishops Heber.

The only child in the audience who looked thoroughly miserable was our Harry. I was lucky that tonight he didn't misbehave he just looked grumpy. I was waiting him to wave a fist at me but he managed to keep himself in check!

I was in Chester today and passed Mother Care, a shop I used to frequent when the boys were babies. I saw lots of babies. I remembered my boys as toddlers and I am sorry that those years were so fraught that I wasn't able to treasure them. I remembered what it was like to cuddle them, nurse them and now they are so grown up and sufficient, putting on plays and singing their hearts out!

Round 4 of Herceptin tomorrow and I actually remembered to phone the unit this morning to let them know I would be coming in!

Jules Update and Running with Wilbur

2009-12-14T09:40:00.000-08:00

I received an email from Jules Peters today thanking me for the care package I sent out. She has been a very poorly young lady with not only DVT, tropical disease but also had a pulmonary embulism. She is lucky to be alive. She is recovering at home now with her young children and is doing well. These conditions were caused during her climb up Kilimanjaro to raise money for cancer. We are all set for the Gathering at the end of January 2010 in Prestatyn where I can hopefully meet her in person.

Today I went running with my dog Wilbur. I have had to have a few days off exercise as I injured my shoulder on Thursday having tripped up over Mr Wilbur. I landed on my shoulder and it is still incredibly painful, very hard for me to get dressed or put a coat on. However, I had a good run and enjoyed it even more for having his company. He had to wear is flourescent tabard because he is the colour of tarmac and whilst motorists on the lane may see me, they may miss the little guy.

A very productive day.... I am feeling stronger and fitter with each new day and I am so happy to be able to do the things I love once again.

Elsa!

2009-12-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

Elsa is a lovely guineapig. She is sweet, gentle and very kind. If any of my other female piggies are poorly, she is always the one I choose as a companion. However, poor old Elsa has lost alot of weight recently so I made the decision today to bring her into the house for the rest of the winter and concentrate on getting her weight up. I have a supply of CRITICAL CARE which is a special food for poorly piggies, vitamin C tablets and the fact that she will not have to compete for her food means that the prognosis should be good.

She has settled in well so far and in a moment I will be giving her a bath which will make her feel much better. I think she will enjoy having my individual attention.

A Fab Night Out!

2009-12-12T02:13:00.001-08:00

Last night it was the "mums" Christmas night out at Bollicinis in chester www.bollicinis.co.uk and what a fab, fab night we had. Yes, we did dance around our handbags, and yes we did hound the dj for some Black Eyed Peas because we got fed up with his lame selection of music.

I had parma ham and melon to start followed by tagliatelli and tiramisu (not together!) and it was lovely. There was a bit of a disaster with the proffiteroles because they were still frozen but by that time we had enjoyed far too much wine and it didnt detract from the enjoyment of the night.

Such good fun! Good company! Nice Food! Lots of fun!

My Birthday Yesterday!

2009-12-11T01:52:00.000-08:00

I have been so lucky this birthday with all of the wonderful gifts and cards I have received! Last year I was in Rome for my birthday but this year I was at home which is truly where my heart is! The only sad part of it was that my youngest son was away from home on a school trip. My mother-in-law bought me this gorgeous PANDORA bead. I hadn't seen this one before but it is so pretty.

This horse PANDORA bead was one of my gifts off youngest son Harry. He also bought me a glass paperweight shaped like a diamond which he chose himself. He gave me his gift just before he left for Nant BH. Harry loves sparkly things.

This card is just gorgeous! My friends daughter, Chloe made it for me! I have a special "keep sake" box and this card is definately going in it!

These are a gift in themselves! 12 years ago I was almost at the point of giving up on the possibility of having children and now I have two gorgeous sons! Having two birthday cards sporting the word "MUM" means more than words can explain!

My Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil gave me this card. They know how significant the blue butterfly has been for me during my fight with breast cancer. The blue butterfly is means "healing, sent with love".

My husband always gets me the nicest cards with a really slushy message inside!

Just look at all of my gifts!!!!! I have been so lucky! I happened to spot the Carvella boots in Chester a week or so ago and I was lusting after them secretly and just look........ Jason got them for me! The NOA perfume is from my eldest son Joe, we sipped the sparkling wine, the Clinique body stuff is devine!

I love my new boots!

Not sure if everyone is familiar with GOK but in this country, he is a fashion and style guru. He has brought out his own range of body pampering products and just look at the size of the box I have been given!

My dad bought me this dirt devil for my car! What a thoughtful gift this is! I was struggling with my big hoover but this will make the job so much easier.

I had lots and lots of lovely things including a schnauzer glass keyring, a wolf t-shirt, a wii fit, a red scarf and a puzzle photo of my cousins children in Australia! I have decided to put the puzzle together then have it glued and framed!

I am so grateful for all of my birthday cards, gifts and good wishes.

My Town Friday Shoot Out - Weather

2009-12-11T01:37:00.001-08:00

I took these photos about 10 minutes ago! Sorry they are a bit dull and grey but thats exactly what the weather is like over here...... dull and grey!

Thankfully we had a nice, thick frost last night so I was able to take advantage of it for my shoot out. I love frosted grass and leaves, I like the way that the frost highlights each vein within the leaf.

My neighbours garden opposite my house. Look at the way the frost has settled on the top of his ornamental tree.

I tried to capture the frosty haze over the car park opposite us but I just couldn't get the lighting quite right. As I said before...... dull and grey!

I just had to get a picture in of my new toy. Yep, Cooper got frosted last night too!

Today I did YOGA for the first time!

2009-12-10T12:07:00.000-08:00

picture courtesy of google search engine

I have wanted to do Yoga for years and today I attended a class for the first time. I found it hard but thoroughly enjoyable and relaxing. I will be doing it again...

An Eclectic 24 Hours!

2009-12-09T12:42:00.001-08:00

What a varied 24 hours!!!!!

Last night, I was in the Golden Lion Pub, Rossett celebrating the Breast Cancer Support Groups Christmas Party. Pictured above are the founders of the group, Pauline and Barbara who started it around 18 months ago. Its a fabulous group of ladies of all ages, really down to earth, nice people who are fun to be with. Our meals were very nice but the only gripe really was the fact that the "Christmas Mess" had too much cream and not enough meringue!!!!

This morning saw the departure of my youngest son, Harry on his school trip to Nant BH in the Snowdonia ranges. He is eight years old and autistic so you can imagine how anxious letting him go there has been for me. However, his favourite teacher is going, Mr Lloyd along with his classroom support assistant, Mrs Pattingdon. Mrs P has given up her own time in order to accompany Harry, and if she hadn't have gone, I doubt whether I would have let Harry go either. He was off with a wave and blew a kiss. Once in school, he is in school so I knew that from then on he would be happy.

I went out for my run which was excellant, I am getting fitter and stronger by the day and after that we drove to Cheshire to collect a parcel for a friend then on to Beeston Horse Market....

When I first walked into the thick of the auction, I was overwhelmed. Choked with tears, I just had to get out of the building. I couldn't be a part of that scene, those poor horses and ponies; scared, worried being pushed around, prodded..... It felt like a scene from Anna Sewells Black Beauty.

My husband talked me into going back in, asking me to make some ponies day a little brighter by stopping to fuss them. I did that but I can tell you, it broke my heart. I lost count of the thin and undernourished animals there, probably over run with worms and other things! Some destined for slaughter, others possibly to be transported in inhumane conditions across Europe in order to be served up on plates in resteraunts.

I will not go back there again.

I was quiet going home. Feeling quite emotional because of Harry and what I had just witnessed.

We decided to stop at the Grosvenor Garden Centre for a good cup of coffee. They serve up a lovely Americano!

On display are the "home baked" mince pies and to the right are the flapjacks. All of the food is hand made on the premises and its open cooking so you can actually watch the chef prepare it all. It is delicious!

I was happy with my lovely coffee but Jason decided to have the caramel shortcake (his favourite).

We purchased some "Grumpy Mule" filtered coffee from the shop which was quite apt given our day!

This afternoon I clipped and bathed Wilbur and took all of his "feathers" off his legs. I do like him looking like a proper schnauzer; being a dog groomer, I like them to be clipped to breed standard but Wilbur..... He is a full on "action pup". He is the original "Million Hours a Day" dog. He lives life in the fast lane..... All things considered, he runs or sleeps and I am fed up with him bringing half of the woodlands home in his fur. He is nice and neat now and must feel so much better. At least he won't have to suffer me pulling bits out of his hair all night.

All in all, its been quite a different 24 hours!

Going Out Tonight!

2009-12-08T09:30:00.000-08:00

www.goldenlionrossett.co.uk

(picture courtesy of google search engine)

Tonight I am out with the ladies from the Breast Cancer Support Group and we are going to a local pub/resteraunt within my village called the Golden Lion. The Golden Lion is pictured above and if you follow the link to the web page you can have a look at the Christmas menu of which we will be partaking tonight!

The Golden Lion was formerly a coaching inn as it is situated on the main Wrexham to Chester road. The views of the village green can be seen from the pubs forecourts although these days the green is a childrens play area and football pitch. Once upon a time though, public executions took place on the village green and the beam used to hang one local person was used within the pub itself. Local rumours say that the ghost of the hanged person still haunts the pub today!

My Weight Watchers leader said to us last week that this pub should come with a Weight Watchers Health Warning because the portion sizes are enormous!

Tonight, If memory serves me right I am going to have the goats cheese thingy as a starter, a cremated steak for the main course and a Christmas mess to end! I will let you know how I get on but needless to say I wont be expecting a weight loss at the scales this week!

Tiny Tim and Rocking Chairs

2009-12-08T00:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I posted all about Christmas plays. I was feeling a bit emotional because it will be the last one Joseff ever does at primary school. So many plays over the year, costumes made and memories treasured.

This morning it is the dress rehearsal of Scrooge and Joseff is quite aptly cast as "Tiny Tim". He is pictured above in the costume I have put together. What a medoly of memories are contained within that costume....... His boots are his riding boots, his trousers were old school ones belonging first to Joe then to Harry and the patches are made out of Jasons old ties. The shirt was bought as part of his outfit for my friends daughters naming day, the waistcoat was mine from about 25 years ago and I can't part with it and the best bit....... the neckerchief! Well..... that was one of my chemo bandanas! What a fantastic way to turn a negative into a positive!

As Joe sat in the old rocking chair to pose for this photo, my minds eye was taken to the photograph of my great grandfather....... Joe's great, great grandfather "Tom Ty Canol". His photograph was taken in the same pose, walking stick in hand (not the crutch) the same look on the face although no smile because that wasn't the "done" thing in those days!

The rocking chair is special to me as well. My mum was "left" some money and she used the money to purchase the chair which was quite expensive at the time. She has used this rocking chair to nurse my brother Peter, me, my younger brother Gareth and I have used this rocking chair to nurse my boys....... Not only is it comfortable to sit in, it holds such special memories for me. Who knows..... maybe one day I will be nursing my own grandchildren in it!

Christmas Plays!

2009-12-07T11:14:00.001-08:00

(Images courtesy of google search engine)

I am feeling quite teary and emotional thinking about my chosen topic today.

When I was a child, they did have nativity plays but I was never chosen to be in them and I was glad because I was too shy to perform on stage. I remember once when I was about 4 years old, sitting cross legged in assembly. Our headmistress "Mrs Henderson" said that we were to perform the "Three Billy Goats Gruff" and whoever was sitting up the straightest would be a billy goat. I instantly sat up straight but almost simultaneously realised what this would entail and slouched my biggest slouch...... Too late! Mrs Henderson had seen me and I became the littlest Billy Goat Gruff much to my horror.

While helping out at Sunday school when the boys were young, the best time of year was Christmas..... The lighting of the advent candles and rehearsals for plays. My oldest son Joe was always a Shepherd and costumes were duly made for the role. The first nativity Harry appeared in was at the age of 18 months and he was a sheep. Now..... I am not a seamstress by any far reach of the imagination but I was determined to make Harry a sheeps costume. My Auntie Heather gave me some immitation sheep material and I set about my task. The end result was a balaclava style head with ears attached, propped at a very "cheeky" angle. The top was a big and just for fun I "branded" Harry's bottom using red paint with the letter "H", he had a little sheeps tail and the trousers to match. I painted his little nose black with a bit of my eye liner. Oh what fun we had that year! My little sheep would not sit with the others, in fact he would not sit still. My little sheep was chased up and down the aisles, eventually lieing on his back, kicking his legs in the air. Needless to say, there wasn't a dry eye in the audience.......

My number one son has been at St Peters School in Rossett since the age of 3 1/2. He started off at nursery, then worked his way through reception and he is now in his final year before high school. What memories I have to treasure. All of the nativity plays he has been part of over the years and the costumes I have had to put together. This year, the school is putting on their adaptation of "Scrooge" and my Joe is Tiny Tim. Quite appropriate for him really as despite being one of the oldest in the class, he is the smallest!

Tonight I have been sewing patches on old school trousers, cutting fingers off old gloves and putting together a costume for him to wear for his dress rehearsal tomorrow. Jason has made him a crutch out of an old wooden broom.

I feel so sad.

This is the last nativity play he will ever do at primary school. St Peters has been such a huge part of Joe's life and always will be. He is surrounded by friends who he has known since the days of mother and toddler groups. Happy memories and treasured ones for me.

I am in awe of children today. Sure, we get the odd child bursting into tears or being overwhelmed by the sea of adult faces focusing on them. Harry tends to take part until he sees me then spends the entire time trying to hide from me or annoying the person in front of him.

These children pull off the most amazing plays, they learn their lines, sing their songs and all with such confidence and enjoyment. I could never have done what these children do today.

Christmas

2009-12-06T10:01:00.001-08:00

I remember Christmas' as a child. Mum would put a barrier across the stairs, she told us it was to stop our dog Patch from attacking Father Christmas but in reality it was to stop us three from going down stairs too early. This never worked though. We took our lead from our big brother Peter, he would usually wake me and Gareth up then we would follow him quietly down the stairs. He would help us over the barrier and be the first to enter our living room where our eyes would be amazed by the reality of Christmas. We each chose a seat or a sofa and put our name on it along with one of our socks. Our chair would be filled with gifts and socks stuffed with oranges and of course, a letter each from Santa! My big brother once told me that he had caught a glimpse of Father Christmas and do you know what? 35 years later and a part of me still believes him!

My parents didn't have alot of money in those days but you wouldn't think it looking at the amazing gifts we had. We didn't realise it at the time but alot of our gifts were second hand. I am thinking of my very first Raleigh 14 bike..... blue with white tyres and a huge box filled with Sindy doll clothes which amazed me. I can still recall the feeling of excitement and sheer joy at receiving those! One year, mum had been putting money down on a red pram I had wanted then literally a week before Christmas, I changed my mind and said I wanted a dolls house instead. My mum really wanted to please me and she made the most amazing dolls house you have ever seen. Oh I wish I had photographs of it! She made it out of a cardboard box and covered the roof with "tile" paper and brick paper for the outside. It had a door that opened, windows with curtains, she drew a rose tree climbing up the outside of the door. She made little pictures to hang on the wall papered walls and the floors were covered in carpets. She also made the furniture to go inside out of match boxes and bits of material. I loved that dolls house because of the detail and years later when I was bought a "real" one, it just couldn't compete with my first one.

I am lucky that my children are part of a Christian school and they are taught not just our faith but those of other religions too. They understand that Christmas is not just about getting the best presents but its about Jesus and being good people.

I have always taught them about money. When I used to empty my pockets after a days work, my son would say "wow, what alot of money" so I would then seperate it out and explain that this much is for fuel for the car, this much is for my groomers insurance, this much is to pay the phone bill etc etc. They understand that we don't have a bottom less pit of money and they request their gifts with that in mind. Joseff wants a really nice chess set and Harry wants a PSP like his brothers but ONLY a PSP because they are so expensive! His words, not mine. We have actually got him a reconditioned PSP at half the cost and he will have just as much fun with it.

I love Christmas and I always feel bereft on Boxing Day when it is all over for another year. I also feel quite emotional because I miss the loved ones lost. Nain, Taid, Peter, Auntie Lizzie.... This year I am going to light a candle and say a little prayer to them all.....

Fighting cancer this year has changed me so much. I have never been one to hold a grudge or do ill to others, gossip or wittingly do bad turns. I have always tried my best to be a nice person. This year I have let go of futile fudes and differences. I have forgiven but not forgotten and this year I am at peace with myself.

Peace be with you too.

Loss and Poetry

2009-12-06T04:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I posted some sad news, the loss of an old friend and in such a tragic way. I had lots of comments but one in particular from someone who has experienced a recent loss.

I lost my big brother 19 years ago in a car crash, he was only 25. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him and most days they are good and happy thoughts. Occasionally though something will trigger me off and my heart breaks all over again.

With the losses I have experienced in life, I have always turned to poetry. Indeed, I sent one of my favourite poems to a cancer fighter carer who had just lost his wife to cancer as part of the Spirit Jump programme and I was overwhelmed by the reply I received from the gentlemans daughter who told me that once her father had read the poem, he was able to open up and grieve.

I want to share the poems with you.

Indian Prayer (Anon)

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much.
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments, it's pleasnat to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living

Farewell by Anne Bronte

Farewell to Thee! But not farewell
To all my fondest thoughs of Thee;
Within my heart they still shall dwell
And they shall cheer and comfort me.

Life seems more sweet that Thou didst live
And men more true that Thou wert one;
Nothing is lost that Thou didst give
Nothing Destroyed that Thou hast done.

Had Some Sad News Today

2009-12-05T09:51:00.001-08:00

www.grosvenorgardencentre.co.uk

I bumped in to an old friend and former colleague today while I was out with the boys. Oh what fun we used to have when we worked at Brother Industries UK together. She was the friend who was brave enough to tell me that my fiance was cheating on me, she was the friend who helped me pick up the pieces, she was the friend who came with me to look at the wreck of my brothers car at the scrapyard......

One of our friends and colleages who we nicknamed Hoppy because of her surname, died earlier on in the year. She was about 38 and had just given birth to twins. She had 12 heart attacks one after the other but died of shock.

We had such fun with Hoppy, she was such a pretty vivacious girl, full of fun. One of the friends I regret losing touch with.

When Ronnie told me, I had goose bumps all over... Its so funny but earlier on this year I was filled with thoughts of her and even tried to find her over face book.

Christmas time is a wonderful time of year but its also one of those times when we think back over Christmas' past and say a prayer for those loved ones no longer with us.

God Bless you Hoppy and thank you for being a part of my life.

My First Post Cancer Hair Cut

2009-12-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

The thing pictured above is not my new hair cut! No.... I thought I would post a picture of my Aqua Jogging Belt. It is fab! You wear it around your waist and this enables your shoulders to rest above water. This means that your feet don't touch the ground and you can focus on your running motion and remaining in an upright position.

Onlookers are mistaken in thinking it is an easy and slow sport but trust me.... you use the same muscles as you do with proper running but without the impact and with the added resistance of water.

This sport has helped me this week with my injured ankle. I would have been very frustrated otherwise not being able to stick to my running plan.

Not a very flattering picture of me, showing all of my many wrinkles! Those creams don't do what they promise you know! Anyway, today I had my first hair cut since I lost it all due to chemotherapy. My hair colour was different and the texture was fluffy and dull so I asked the advice of my wonderful hair dresser, Sue. She parted my hair and showed me that my hair underneath is as dark as it used to be, shiny, glossy and healthy but the dull end bits were as a result of my hair starting to grow back and given the fact that there was still chemo in my system, this reflected in the texture and colour.

Sue set about snipping, tidying and can you believe it? Thinning my hair out and the end result is a snazzy pixie cut! Sue reckons that with one more trim the bad hair will be cut out and I will be in a good position to start growing it properly.

I feel so much better now that the texture is back to normal along with the colour.

I will never take a hair cut and style for granted again.

My Town Friday Shoot Out - Favourite Things

2009-12-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

The theme for this weeks shoot out is "Favourite Things" but was described as the first Christmas theme. However, I couldn't do a shoot out about favourite things without including my new car, my Mini Cooper, my pride and joy, my baby..... Actually, Cooper is a sort of Birthday/Christmas present anyway so its right that he should be included in this weeks theme.

When thinking of what I should take pictures of to feature the theme, I was on my way into Wrexham town to take photos of the Christmas lights, when I stopped myself and ended up at the Grosvenor Garden Centre in Pulford just 3 miles from my home. Why? Well because whenever I think of Christmas and Christmas decorations, my mind always roams to this place. It has been an important store for me this year because on the days when I needed to get out or needed to buy a gift but didnt have the energy to venture far..... this store was my saviour!

The picture above is of the entrance into the Garden Centre. They always have such wonderful displays no matter what the time of year!

The decorations at the Grosvenor are in plentiful supply, you can buy just about anything you want from here. Fibre optic trees, false trees, real Christmas Trees, Christmas Wreaths, cuddly toys, Santa Stop Here Signs, Christmas food, Christmas gifts...... I could go on and on and on.

I love the models of Santa scattered around the store, some are even life sized.

Robins are my favourite birds because whenever I feel a bit down or sad about my late brother Peter, a Robin always seems to appear and cheer me up. I love these fat fellas in the pottery section of the store.

I adore Squirrels too..... not the grey ones but the endangered red ones. This ornament is so clever and I love it to bits.

You cannot celebrate Christmas without the Nativity scene and this is only one of the many types available to buy here.

Christmas is all about the children and I love that concept. This metal red fire engine is the sort of thing I would have loved to have bought my sons when they were toddlers but too expensive I am afraid!

This is a life sized Charley Bear! Anyone who knows me, knows just how much I love my collection of bears. My collection includes Herman, Merrythought, Steiff, Charley to name but a few and includes some vintage pieces.

Santas Grotto is always a special place with very fond memories. I remember Harry going to see Father Christmas when he was 3 and struggling to get away from him, crying!

Again, anyone who knows me knows how much I love my Chimineas. I really like these pottery ones but ours is metal because we decided it was more stable with having the dogs and children around.

If I had £200 to spare, this is what I would spend it on. I love this limited edition print. I love it not only because it is of a dog, but I love dogs noses (weird I know) and I love the concept of this picture.

So If you are ever in the area I would definately recommend that you visit The Grosvenor Garden Centre www.grosvenorgardencentre.co.uk because not only does it stock just about everything you need, the staff are really friendly and knowledgeable and the feel of the place is so special. I love shopping there.

They also have a grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat coffee shop called The Blue Planet and the produce home made pastries, cakes and food. Next time I go there I will take some pictures just so that you can see how special it is. The coffee is delicious and I must admit I spent a very pleasant couple of hours there this morning with my friend Clare.

What doesn't this shops stock? Garden furniture, garden appliances, garden plants, shrubs and trees, pottery, sheds, gifts, walking sticks, wellington boots, indoor plants, books, cards, confectionary, cakes, biscuits, eggs, meat, drinks, cutlery, kitchen implements...... the list is endless.

Herceptin Heart Scan

2009-12-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

So today I was back in the hospital for my herceptin heart scan. Jason came with me and this time the process wasn't so bad. For a start there was only the chap scanning in the room and I was given a gown to wear so my dignity remained in tact.

They found my heart! I even heard it beating although it sounded more like a washing machine. The good news is that so far, so good, the herceptin isn't damaging my heart. I was so relieved because I had just returned from the Grosvenor Garden Centre having met my friend there and consumed 3 cups of proper coffee! I was getting some palpatations!

My ankle is healing nicely but I am taking arnica and using cool gel and white embrocation.

I am going for a hair trim tomorrow! My cheeky husband asked "where from?". Admittedly I haven't got enough for a good cut but I just want her to tidy up the back and around the ears. I am only have a wet trim because I will be damned if I am paying for a cut and blow dry with the little amount of hair I have lol!

Aqua Jogging!

2009-12-01T10:31:00.000-08:00

Most of you know how much I love running and how frustrating that through treatment I just wasn't able to keep it up. I am into week five of my beginners running programme, I have never had to start at the begining before! I have injured my right ankle, I think its a strain so I have spent today using embrocation, cool gel and a tube grip for compression.... so far so good! I am not due to run again until Friday so I am hoping my ankle will be better by then.

Today I used my aqua-belt for the first time and it is fab! fab!fab! It enables you to stand upright in the water and not touch the floor with your feet. In this position you then run as you would outside but in the water. Yes its slow but ...... oh it is hard, hard work. I could feel my leg muscles working. This great thing about aqua jogging is because it is a no impact work out, it will not affect my ankle.

So my training programme tomorrow involves me doing any type of exercise for 30 minutes. I will either try to get to acqua aerobics in the evening or I may just try to get a mix of acqua jogging and swimming in.

Today has been productive. I enjoyed my visit to the Grosvenor Garden Centre for this weeks My Town Friday Shoot Out. I love that shop, it is wonderful. I enjoy going there for a mooch or to buy gorgeous gifts. I love the decorations during the Christmas season, they are the best which is why I chose to use that shop for my shoot out.

So now I am about to set off for my Breast Cancer Support Group..... Bye for now folks!

Letting Go of Negative Emotions...

2009-12-01T01:29:00.000-08:00

One thing I have acknowledged through my lifes experiences is that negative emotions are bad for you. If they are allowed room in your life then they fester and poisen you, the bitterness turns inwards and destroys you.

All of my life I have fought negative emotions, I refuse to hold grudges, gossip, hurt people or manipulate people. All I want to do, is live my life with my family and friends around me and spread love and goodness. If I can make a positive difference to ONE persons life a day, then I feel that I have made a supreme achievement.

So yesterday, I blogged about feeling negative emotions toward one person in my life. I didn't like the feelings I had, it wasn't me, totally out of character. Then Sherry Lee of www.everydaypossibilities.blogspot.com (I hope I have got your blog address correct) gave me some really great advice........

I followed that advice.........

I filled two sides of A4 paper............

I sealed it in an envelope and today I am going to bury it in my garden!

This morning, when I dropped my children off at school and I saw this person....... my negative emotions were dissipating. I no longer felt boiling anger towards her... I feel calmer.... better..... more like me.

So thank you Sherry Lee for your perception, your good, grounded advice and God Bless you xxxx

Helpful Advice Required from my Blogging Friends

2009-11-30T08:28:00.001-08:00

Not the best picture of me - no makeup, hair all funny but I like my smile!

I am a big believer in not bearing grudges and being kind and nice to people. I believe in karma (getting what you give out back ten fold), I also think that jealousy, bitterness and anger are negative emotions which should be avoided at all costs.

Throughout my life I have had some pretty bad experiences. Some people would have let these experiences make them bitter but I have always accepted that every experience you have whether good or bad, builds you as a person.

A couple of years ago, I fell out with a neighbour.... its a long and pathetic story so I will not bore you with the details but I had just come out of councelling and depression and was starting to stand up for myself.... this obviously did not go down too well. I tried to offer an olive branch because I detest bad feeling but this was thrown back in my face. This persons mother died of breast cancer so she must know what hell I have been through this year but despite this she has thrown wild parties, and never once asked how I was doing. Considering how close we once were I find this rather puzzling. She has also alienated herself from my children and her children will not speak to me if she is around.

So here is my problem......... While fighting cancer, I have not had to do the school drop offs and pick ups so I have not had to have contact with this person. Now I am getting back into circulation, the contact is increasing. Whenever I see this person, I can't help myself but feel so angry, so bitter towards her and I really really don't want to feel this way. Bitterness has a knack of turning inwards and rotting your soul....... How do I combat these feelings and change them to more beneficial and kind feelings?

Friday Shoot Out - Smiles and Faces

2009-11-27T13:11:00.000-08:00

The journey home from Centre Parks. We stopped at a motorway stop and I bought these "dummy" sweets for the children which had funny lips and teeth on them. We thought it was hilarious!
My Joe with his wide "cheesy" grin!

My husband and I! Don't worry, the blue eye shadow is now in the bin!!!!!

This was one of our chefs at Jungs Chinese resteraunt at Centre Parks. The food was totally fabulous and so were the staff.

Harry is pretending to be dead in this picture and Joe the "vampire" has just made him his victim. Great fun!

Herceptin Round 3

2009-11-26T07:51:00.000-08:00

Harry pretending to be cold at Centre Parks just after we had seen Santa. The snow on the trees is fake!

Yesterday I had my third round of herceptin. My veins are officially shut down in my left arm now as the Sister canulated first time but could not get any blood out for my tests and when the saline started to go in my hand felt cold, then it started to ache and finally sting. The sister decided to remove the canula and put one into my compromised arm. This went in first time and with a minimum amount of pain. I have only had a sentinal node sweep plus the herceptin is not an irritant like chemo so I am happy for my compromised arm to be used.

The herceptin went in well and it was terrific to leave the Shooting Star Unit feeling normal. Many ladies came in after me for their herceptin. The drug is so expensive that they place all of the herceptin ladies together to minimise wastage.

I saw my oncologist yesterday as well and had a thorough check over. Not only does she check my breasts but also my stomach, back, lungs and heart. The oncologist shadowing her also noticed my mole on my back and checked that out too. When I told my oncologist what I was up to these days she was amazed and called me "super woman". There's nothing super about me though, I am just so happy to be alive and thoroughly enjoying life at the moment.

My running is going well and so far I am up to 24 mins of 1 min run, 2 mins walk. I feel good because I am able to de-stress and clear my mind. I didn't stretch out after my run yesterday so my calves were quite tight this morning. However, I took myself off to the pool, swam for 9 mins, power walked in water for 10 widths, aqua ran for 10 mins, stretched out for 5 then treated myself to the sauna and jacuzzi.

Everyone thinks my hair is cool but I just want to grow it, after having no hair it will be nice to have longer than a crop!

Our Weekend Break

2009-11-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

We travelled 150 miles to Winfield Centre Parks in Cumbria. Cumbria has been hit by the worst flooding in years with bridges being swept away and two lives lost, one of those being a Police Constable. We were amazed that the centre remained open and even more amazed that despite staff shortages due to the extreme conditions, we were hardly affected and the staff moral was amazing. The picture above is of the "village" centre which is surrounded by the lake. The lake was lit up with the most spectacular lights. They even used fake snow and decorated all of the log cabins with Christmas wreaths.

All around the centre were lit up and sparkling reindeers in various poses. This particular reindeer being hugged by Harry was on the way back from the village to our log cabin.

The bridge over the river was decorated, Harry, Chloe and Joe are ready for fun!

I loved the swan on the lake the best especially as the wind bobbed it around. It was spectacular.

Our first meal out was at a resteraunt called Hucks. The staff were excellant as were the conditions for the children. They provided a childrens buffet which they could help themselves too. It included pasta, chicken nuggets, fish fingers, beans, chips, nachos plus other things. There was also a play area for children which kept them entertained. From right to left we have Harry, my husband Jason, me, Jan, Joe and Chloe.

I was like a child on Christmas day all weekend.... I saw the first red squirrel in 25 years! They are endangered in this country and far, far prettier than the grey squirrel. We also saw a woodpecker right outside our door, grouse, and even a Hare! Seeing such wildlife brought me so much joy.

The next morning brought a visit to Santas grotto followed by abseiling....... I will tell you more tomorrow.

My Big Surprise!

2009-11-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

Today, I collected my big surprise...... my mini cooper.

I learnt to drive in a Mini, passed my test in a Mini and my first car was a Mini. I was gutted when I had to part with it for practical reasons. When BMW took over the Mini name, I fell in love with the car, it became my dream car. I never thought in a million years that I would ever own one myself but with the year we have had, the fact that I have faced my own mortality we decided, "what the heck" and went ahead and ordered our first ever brand new car.

I love it!

It has USB, blue tooth, auto lights, auto wipers, climate control and the one I love the best.....heated windows! No more waiting for the car to de-mist or de-frost.

So there you have it....... my big surprise!

We recently bought a new bed, had fitted wardrobes put in and new carpets. This is part of the room. The crosses above my bed were given to me by my boys. They bought the hand crafted crosses from our church, said a prayer at the alter and then gave them to me when I was ill with my chemo. Jason mounted them and they go so well with our new decor. The large cream heart hanging from the door was given to me by Harry when I was losing my hair in an effort to cheer me up.

Life will never be the same, post cancer.

Love and Light

2009-11-15T11:38:00.000-08:00

I was up at 6am this morning because this cold had clogged me up big time. After quite a few cups of tea things got better and once I had taken the dogs out for a long walk, the autumn breeze had blown away the last of the cobwebs. Had a fab afternoon spent with friends in the valley, amazing to see the rivers almost bursting their banks and water sprouting from every part of the mountain. I remember driving through Snowdonia this time last year on such a day and the gushing streams were just amazing.

On our way to our friends house, we passed through the town of Chirk. I caught a glimpse of such love, life and vitality, the momentary glimpse has left an imprint on my mind. I saw a father pushing his baby in a pushchair. His wife hid behind her husband then jumped out to surprise the baby. As she did so, her long hair swung around her and her face was lit up with such love and joy..... She reminded me of me with my babies, the sort of thing I did with them. I wished I could have taken a snapshot and kept it to remind me how good it is to be alive.

My arm and shoulder is so weak. Now I am begining to do more things I am realising just how much the surgery and treatment has taken out of my body. I am still numb under my arm and on part of my breast and still have pain if I over do things. The most frustrating part of it is that I don't have strength, not even to scrub hard when cleaning. I am not worried because I know it will come back, I will make sure of that. I am running, I have started to swim again and I am aqua jogging - they will all help with lower and upper body strength.

Love and Light!

Flood Warnings

2009-11-14T04:09:00.000-08:00

"Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink" (unknown) - my Nain taught me that saying

Britain has flood alerts, mainly in the southern part of England and Wales. The rain is pouring down really hard and everywhere is damp and soggy.

Nine years ago, the River Alyn burst its banks and the village was flooded. They have since carried out extensive works to the river to prevent such a thing happening. Water damage is so destructive and the germs, smell, decay, damp - not healthy at all. So I feel really sorry for those under threat of flooding this weekend.

A year or so ago, a chap was walking his young dog, a golden retriever by the River Clywedog in Bersham which runs at the back of my mums house. The dog jumped into the river but the current, caused by the heavy rains dragged the dog under and despite a frantic rescue attempt, the dog died.

We also have to be careful of mass erosion around river banks, with edgeways disintegrating into the river, one could lose ones footing very easily.

I am in my home, drying off having been soaked whilst tending to my animals. Poor things had wet homes too so I have been busy replacing bedding, and fortifying their homes against further dampness. I owe this to my animals because I have the freedom and ability to care for myself whereas they do not. Animals come first!

My husband and number one son have gone horse riding! The lessons were cancelled due to the muddy and dangerous field conditions so they were offered a hack out. The price went up of course so we had to decide who would ride and who would not because it is an expensive business. Harry decided he wanted to stay home with me and look after me...... his friend called around and now he has deserted me for him - children!

Ah..... these newcomers into horse riding! I grew up riding, mucking out, standing on the muck heap to warm my frozen feet, riding in the rain and getting chilled to the bone! I have the benefit of alot of experience and I wouldnt go out riding in this weather!

Friday Shoot Out - Places of Worship

2009-11-13T10:43:00.000-08:00

This is the family private chapel in Erddig Hall from the outside.

Wrexham Cenotaph, not particularly a place of worship but alot of prayers are said at this place

Again.... not a place of worship but people come from all over the world to visit Greyfriars Bobbys grave

Poppys

2009-11-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

Such a beautiful flower, so delicate and such a vibrant colour. There's nothing in this world like looking at a field strewn with Poppy's, its breathtaking.

The Poppy has become the international symbol for honouring the dead and fallen during wars, in particular the 1st and 2nd World Wars. Since then there have been other wars, korean, Bosnia, the Falklands and Iraq. It is hard to comprehend that now we are losing so many servicemen and women - do we ever learn the lessons of war?

This takes me to a song by The Men They Couldn't Hang, "Green Fields of France". The song tells the story of someone who has stopped for a rest by a soldiers grave and he ponders about this life of 19 years. He also condemns the fact that although this boy died in 1914, died to end all wars....... it happened again and again and again.

I was so pleased to hear from my boys today that they observed 2 minutes silence at the 11th hour on the 11th day to think about the fallen. Joe stopped his gym class and Harry stopped his swimming class.

I was born about 20 years after the second world war, living memory for those around me. I was brought up in the shadow of war and I thought that the youth of today would be too desensitised to respect the fallen. How wrong I was, and I am glad I am wrong.

I am preparing boxes, small packages containing goodies which I am sending to SOS, these boxes will go out to our troops at war and will help to raise their spirits.

Can't Stop Being Cold

2009-11-10T06:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had the first frost of winter. I went to put a cabbage leaf into my recycling bin and it was frozen shut! Mind you, I am still feeling the cold quite severely. It is 6 degrees outside, growing temperature for grass but I am sitting here wearing a cami top, thick polo sweatshirt, a fleece and a woolly hat and I am only just starting to warm up. Could I still be suffereing from chemo chills? I know that the optician said that he could tell that my veins were affected by chemo because they were not working efficiently so could it really take 2 months to still get better?

Ah well...................................

I had more news of my big surprise this morning! Fingers crossed everyone, it will be arriving on Wednesday 18th November........ excited is NOT the word for it!

Had a great walk with the dogs today, I really love to see them pounding through the leaves even though Wilbur and Pickles come home resembling a forest with all mannor of leaves sticking to their hair! I am training Wilbur to come to the whistle because its the only way I can get his attention when he is on the trail of squirrels. It was especially nice today because there were no golfers around so we really did "fill our boots".

Stupid car the Renault Scenic is in the garage for yet more repairs, this time a broken shock exorber - must be all those speed bumps Wrexham council decide to put everywhere! A couple of weeks ago it was the alternator cable. I have never owned a Renault before and believe me, I will never own a Renault, ever, again! We ran an Escort, a Mondeo, a Micra, Fiesta and a Sunny all without half the expense this has cost us.

Moaning over! My new scan disk came this morning so at least I am able to take photographs again. Sad news is that we are still having problems recovering the photos taken on our recent holiday.

Update on Jules Peters. She was hoping to be released from hospital today but sadly she is having to stay in isolation for another week. Desperately hard for her and her family as she is missing her sons aged 5 and 3. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she has done so much to raise money and awareness of cancer.

Today I Bought........................

2009-11-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

HAIRSPRAY! Yipee!!!!!

Bonfire Night

2009-11-09T03:31:00.001-08:00

I don't know if you all know about the British tradition of Bonfire Night on November 5th?

Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament but he was caught in the act. His punishment was to be hung, drawn and quartered. This punishment means that you are hanged until you are almost dead, you then had your limbs tied to four horses who pulled in different directions and while you were begging for mercy, your entrails would be taken out and you would be left to die....... nice!

Anyway, I digress! Each year we celebrate with the burning of the Guy on Bonfire Night. When I was a child, children used to make their own Guy then knock on doors asking for "penny for the Guy" - sadly this traditon has been taken over by trick or treating. On 5th November, the bonfire would be built and Guy stuck on top!

Last night we had a Bonfire and burnt the Guy at my friends house. She lives on the top of the mountains so there was nobody to disturb. OK, so it was a little late but it was raining on the actual day and cold, and miserable. It was such good fun. So cold though until the bonny really kicked in and then our faces were glowing with the heat. Alvin let off some lovely fireworks, the children enjoyed their sparklers and we all came home muddy, tired and thoroughly relaxed!

Its raining but not in my soul

2009-11-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

I am so happy to say that my hair is considerably longer than it is on this picture taken a couple of months ago! Even long enough to say I have had a "bad hair day".

The rain is pouring outside, puddles are huge, everything is soaked right through. So much for Guy Fawkes celebrations, theres no way I am going to a bonfire party when this amount of rain is falling!

However, in my heart the sun is blazing and the sky is blue because today, I lost one and a half pounds at my weight watchers weigh in. That coupled with the fact that I swam for the first time since my diagnosis yesterday and running is feeling good..... I feel as though I am taking control of my life once again and it is the most wonderful feeling in the entire world!

I had news of my big surprise the other day too and pretty soon I will have a delivery date for it! Watch this space!

FRIDAY SHOOT OUT - SKYLINES

2009-11-05T11:32:00.001-08:00

Apologies all around! Firstly, my scan disk is corrupted and we cant retrieve the holiday photos I took (and there are loads). Jason has tried lots of software to try and get them onto computer but with no success so any advice will be most gratefully received! I am waiting for the new scan disk to turn up so until then I can't take any more photos. I have taken these photos from my archive so I do apologise if you have seen them before.

The above photo is of Wrexham Police Station set against the skyline.

This photo is of St Mary's Catholic church in Wrexham

Edinburgh, December, the skyline was amazing, this photo does not do it justice!

Weight Gain and Bloating!

2009-11-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

You will know about my bloating until the weekend when it started to get better. I had my meeting with the surgeon this morning and she confirmed what I already knew, that the bloating and weight gain was due to the drug Tamoxifen. However, my cancer tested extremely sensitive to hormones so really, I would be silly to stop taking it. I was given advice on how to reduce swelling and told that hopefully everything would start to settle down soon. I will have another review in 6 months.

This is what I already knew in my heart of hearts but I following my blue day last week, I have a renewed vigour to reach my target. I WILL lose weight, I WILL run again and I WILL get my fitness back!

I was given the all clear to start swimming again which will help with lymphatic drainage and she endorsed my running which is all positive!

I had my second lot of herceptin today and everything went as smoothly as before.

I had my second run today.... 60 seconds running, 3 minutes walking x 4 - 16 mins. I went out before the children were up because I knew I had a busy hospital day ahead of me and as it is my training plan to run on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, I really didn't want to jeopardise the plan when I had only just started. I was extremely proud of myself at making this supreme effort, I didn't let any negatives get in the way, I went out and did it. The only thing I found was, because I didn't warm up due to the time constraints and I didnt take my ventolin before hand, I found it slightly harder going than Monday.

I feel as though I am getting control back of my life and that is brilliant. I am have some exciting plans which I need to set in motion. The first being Reiki, I desperately want to master this skill so that I can use it in my professional life with dogs. I also want to take an animal first aid course and possibly a course in canine nutruition. I want to explore the spiritual side of my soul as well.... I would like to learn how to open my pyschie and be able to harness that skill which has been neglected for so long.

Despite the cancer diagnosis, I have found my War with Cancer quite liberating. For the first time in my life I am relaxed, I don't worry about things any more, I appreciate what I have. The only fear I have is of regression. I do not want to return to my old habits of self criticism, of eating disorders and low self esteem. I recognise my enemy within and I will fight it as I have fought cancer.....

Get your Rocks On!!!!!

2009-11-03T08:26:00.001-08:00

No, I don't like this picture of me! My face is so bloated but this is me and it is right and proper that I should reveal the real me not the one I want everyone to see! On the swelling score, my fingers and toes have reduced and now my 3rd ring (My Nains) fits me perfectly again. I noticed my cheek bones for the first time yesterday as well! I am seeing the consultant tomorrow just to go through this side effect and I am going to contact my friend to get more information from his angle.

I was really tired today on account of a busy day yesterday. Once the children were at school, I got into bed and slept for 2 hours solid. I woke up feeling great so I got on my bike and did some errands. Posted a card to my friend on Manor Lane, took some parcels to the Post Office on Station Road, stopped off at the Chemist on Chester Road before returning home and I felt great for the fresh air and gentle exercise! The dogs had a short walk today but exciting none the less because we came across my friend who had lost her dog Molly in the woods. The tractor had scared her. Needless to say it all ended very nicely with Molly being found and reunited!

I decided to take the car to school to collect the children even though it is only a 10 minute walk. The reason I did this was because I have had a busy afternoon and I had tea to put on, Joe's suitcase to help pack and the Breast Cancer Support Group this evening, there is going to be a talk given by a life coach!

So now to the title of todays post! While we were at the Llyn, we did lots and lots of beach walking and while there I did my favourite thing, I collected rocks. Usually I put them in my garden but this time I looked for palm sized stones. The idea is that I am going to try my hand at rock painting for small Christmas gifts so look out everyone! I will let you know how I get on. My acrylics were delivered today along with the matt spray so I am excited about making a start!

An update on Jules Peters... Mikes tour with The Alarm has been cancelled and rescheduled for the new year. Jules is an integral part of the team organising these events and that as well as the fact that Mike needs to support his wife and his two sons, Dylan age 5 and Evan age 3. Jules is still in isolation and will remain in hospital for at least another week. Her rehabilitation will take months. I sent her a "Caring" package today, I know how much these packages from friends all over the world have meant to me so I wanted to spread the love.

Today..... I Ran!!!!!

2009-11-02T04:55:00.000-08:00

Today, I bit the proverbial bullet and started my running programme and it made me feel amazing.

I am following the ZEST Running Made Easy Plan and have started where I have never had to before, at the complete beginners place! Last year I was following the same plan but for a 10K race and was almost through it when I was diagnosed with cancer.

These recent weeks, one thing I have noticed is that although I feel so much better than before, my body is weaker than it has ever been in my entire life and I get tired quickly. Bearing that in mind, I have decided not to do my usual "jumping in with 2 feet" but to pace myself and take it slowly. So today it was 60 seconds run and 3 minutes walk x 3.

I read a running book once which advised a slow run/walk training programme because apparently your CV system gets fitter alot quicker than your body which is why alot of people succumb to shin splints and tendon injuries. Now, I know that I do have a dodgy hip flexor and delicate knees so I am bearing this fact in mind.

As I ran today, I remembered that it was this time last year that I was attacked by a German Shepherd whilst out on a run. I had planned to do a 5K run to a small village called Doddleston and back. I was happily running along when with no warning at all, the dog ran out onto the road and attacked me. He punctured my thigh and my instinct was to run so the dog continued on her attack. In a blink of an eye I took control of the situation and my two thoughts were, one: I must stay on my feet and two: I mustn't let the dog have anything to grab onto. I then turned my back on the dog, pulled my arms over my face and head and tightened my body. The dog was obviously making a go for my arm but instead, bit into my side just milimetres away from my breast. She bit through a base layer, a running top and a very heavily constructed running bra.

The farmer called the dog off and I reported the incident to the police. The dog has been put on the bite register and if there are any further incidents then she will be destroyed. I declined the offer of a lift home and instead walked the 2 miles back. I grabbed a quick shower to make sure that the wounds were clean then off to the doctors for a tetanus and antibiotics!

My mum is adamant to this day that the shock of the incident is what triggered my breast cancer. All I know is that for 6 weeks after the attack I succumbed to every illness going including cellulitus to my arm.....

I think back to this time last year and although only 12 months have passed, it seems like 12 years, like another lifetime.

Glad to Have My Blog Back

2009-11-01T02:54:00.001-08:00

Before I get started on this blog, I just want all of my blogging friends to look at the picture above of Mike Peters and his wife Jules. They helped found the Love Hope Strength Foundation which aims to put cancer centres in every country and make cancer a curable disease. Mike himself has battled the beast twice in the last 15 years and his type of cancer is incurable but can be managed.

They have done so much, you must visit the LHS website to see what amazing things they have achieved. They have donated thousands to the cancer centre where I received part of my treatment. They have climbed Everest, Snowdon and now more recently Kilimanjaro.

As a result of this quest, Jules is now seriously ill in hospital suffering with not only DVT but a tropical disease. She is in isolation so will not even be able to see her two very young sons. I want you all to say a prayer for this amazing person. Hold her in your thoughts and pray for a fast recovery.

So.... I am back home from the caravan and now I can access my blog and everyone elses. It has been quite frustrating not being able to visit blogs or even pick up the comments left on my blog! I will be busy catching up with you all over the next week.

I am back in the pink! I only let myself have one blue day every once in a while, I think it helps to cleanse the mind and body but thank you for all of your messages of support which helped turn me from blue to pink.

The only other frustration I have at the moment is that my scan disk is not allowing me to upload my pictures so my wonderful husband has allowed me to use his from the holiday and will be working to fix my disk so that I can share the fab photos I took on holiday.

The above picture is of Joe pretending to fly a "Vampire" aeroplane at the museum.

Harry loves aeroplanes and so last Christmas we bought him an authentic pilots flight suit and Jason managed to get badges and a beret which he loves. In this picture we were on Llanbedrog Beach and he was busy enacting war scenes. This took me back years to my own child hood when I used to play the same games with my brothers!

Harry was flying a helicopter in this picture and by the look on his face, I think he must have been about to crash!

This is me and my Joe, Jason was insisting on taking photos of me which I dont like because of my weight gain, hair and general poor self image. We decided to pull extreme faces for this one!

We had a lovely week away, it is so relaxing on the Llyn. The best moments were the air museum because the look on Harrys face when we got there was just why I love being a mum, I also enjoyed the bonfire on the beach. Warm autumn night with leaves falling onto the sand, the magic of the fire, waves crashing on the beach and only us there - what a magical experience.